


seven months

by doubletan



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Best Friend Phichit, Canon Compliant, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hanahaki AU, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Mystery, Pair Skate, Picnics, Promises, Sad, Secrets, Sick Fic, VictUuri, argument, avoid if you dont like sad stuff!!, doctor!phichit, drunk yuuri, hanahaki disease au, hanahaki patient!victor, hospital au, its v angsty pls dont read if you cant take it, medical AU, nurse!yuuri, otayuri - Freeform, pair skating, platonic yuuri/phichit - Freeform, viktuuri
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-22 05:11:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 27,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9584942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doubletan/pseuds/doubletan
Summary: After Yuuri's crippling loss in the 2015's Grand Prix Finals, he decided to retire from his ice skating career and finish up his nursing degree in Detroit. Now, he and Phichit works at Tokyo National Hospital as he tries his best to start a new life, even when his past failures continue to haunt him.However, at the World Figure Skating Championships 2016, ice skating legend Victor Nikiforov was found vomiting flowers onto the ice right before his performance. Contracted with Hanahaki, Victor was immediately sent to Tokyo National Hospital, and placed under the care of both Yuuri and Phichit.As his nurse, Yuuri attempts to maintain a professional relationship with Victor, but his presence causes Yuuri to constantly question his decision to retire as Victor tries to relight his passion for ice skating once again. What was more troubling, was why Victor's friends, even Victor himself, refuses to contact Victor's love or tell Yuuri who it was that could have stolen the internationally most desired bachelor's heart. Nonetheless, Yuuri vows to find her (or him, Yuuri wouldn't know would he?) to save his life. But will he ever find out before its too late?





	1. null

**Author's Note:**

> in this fic, phichit is older than canon, was nv an ice skater, but he's still roommates w yuuri in college!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yuuri, who thinks his life was just about to settle down, gets turned upside down by the man he had idolized for years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope people will get why i named the chapters this way as the story progresses :P

_“News flash: four times Grand Prix champion Russian skater Victor Nikiforov is unable to take part in this year’s World Figure Skating Championships 2016 in Tokyo.He had just entered the rink for his performance before he collapsed, expelling what seem like flowers on the ice. At this moment, he is being rushed to the hospital, although which one is disclosed to the public. Here's a live coverage from Mr Feltsman, his coach."_

Brows furrowed and worry lining the creases on his face, Yakov spoke rapidly, glancing anxiously behind him towards his car in the background.

_"Victor has hanahaki disease, I have only just found that he has been hiding it for the past few months. I apologize. It's an error on my part as his coach for not being more observant. As of the moment, Victor would not be taking part in other competitions until further notice. I pray that all his fans will continue to support him still. Thank you."_

The live coverage ended with Yakov turning towards his car, most probably wanting to get to Victor as soon as possible.

The camera switched back to the television announcer.

_"Hanahaki is a rare fatal disease that affects individuals when their love is unrequited, forcing them to expel flowers on the ice. The only cure is if the victim hears it is requited. This is surprising for the internationally voted most eligible bachelor in the world, with anguished fans scrambling to find his secret lover in a bet to save his life.”_

_No, no, no,_ Yuuri had unconsciously stood up from his chair, squeezing his Styrofoam cup of coffee tight in his hand. Coffee dripped down his hand towards the table, but Yuuri was too preoccupied to notice.

He waited for the news flash to end, for the media to say it was a mistake all along, that Victor was _fine._ But it never came. The endless banner of words: ‘Russian ice skater Victor Nikiforov has fatal hanahaki disease’ ran in indefinite loops across the bottom of the hospital’s minuscule television in the hospital cafeteria.

Murmurs had begun to rise as the hospital staff realized that the widely-known international celebrity had contracted hanahaki. Exclaims from the ladies could be heard as they gossiped about the identity of who the lucky one was.

Yuuri clutched his cup tighter, more coffee started to run down his arm now before dripping onto the tiled floors, but Yuuri was oblivious to it. He could not believe it, _he could not._

It was ridiculous.

Yet, the news and his colleagues discussing about Victor's illness only cemented the fact that all of it was real, neither a hoax nor misinfomation.

How could Victor, the person everyone loved universally, have someone that did not love him back? It did not make a single sense to Yuuri's ears.

“Yuuri, sit down.” His Thai best friend whispered, tugging the corner of his shirt down discreetly and dabbed up the coffee that ran down the length of his arm.

Now only did Yuuri realize what he was doing, and he plopped down quickly in embarrassment. "Sorry Phichit." He mumbled awkwardly.

Phichit waved a hand in the air with a carefree grin, showing that it did not matter to him one bit. "Its fine." Yuuri smiled thankfully at him.

Phichit’s phone buzzed in his pocket. Pulling it out, he answered the call politely with a hand over his mouth. It must be from the head of department giving them a new assignment.

Phichit was partnered with Yuuri as doctor and nurse respectively. That meant Yuuri handled the same patients that Phichit was assigned to. As Yuuri's college roommate, Phichit had known about his distratrous obsession with Victor, and had been there for him ever since Yuuri lost the Grand Prix finals last year, ever since he was mistaken as just a mere fan by his long-time idol Victor, and ever since he fallen into depression from all his losses.

He was really thankful for Phichit. He was the one that suggested and urged Yuuri to finish up his nursing degree so that they could work together at the same hospital, with Phichit migrating over to this hospital to keep an eye on his mental well-being.

And also, in an attempt to force Yuuri get out of his ditch and search for something else he can be passionate in and give him another goal in life. So here he was, starting a new life.

Yet, with this new information on Victor, Yuuri felt like he was sucked back into time, back when his life only revolved around ice skating, back when his ultimate goal was to skate on the same ice as Victor Nikiforov.

Yuuri wondered who could have stolen Victor’s heart. He could not even imagine the immense guilt for causing someone, especially someone so brilliant and inspiring, slow and torturous death.

Yet, Yuuri dared to hope. For Victor had been one to surprise his audience and marvel them with miracle after miracle, and this was no exception.

Victor was alluring, talented, driven, and so many other uncountable qualities that Yuuri could only dream of acquiring. Yuuri was confident that no one would be able to stand against his charms and cause him such heartbreak for long.

When Phichit ended the call, his eyes were wide open in shock. “Yuuri, our new patient...it's Victor.”

Victor never failed to surprise him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://doubletan.tumblr.com/)
> 
> how hanahaki works in this fic: 
> 
> 1) when someone love someone that is unrequited they can suffer from hanahaki but there is no criteria or requirement for who will suffer from hanahaki as it does not happen to all people
> 
> 2) hanahaki have four stages, the last being fatal 
> 
> 3) the only symptom of hanahaki is the puking of flowers, so patients can act normally besides that. especially in the first few stages hanahaki is not easy to be detected by others as the puking of flowers is sporadic
> 
> 4) think of the flower clump like a cancer tumor that's constantly growing: the puking of flowers can be suppressed with dosages of suppressants, but like cancer tumor it can become immune to it after a while and the dosage has to be increased. however, when reaching the final stage the dosages will usually be ineffective by then because of the rapidly increasing amount of flowers being puked out
> 
> 5) sometimes there is clogging of flowers in the lungs when the patients produced too much flowers that cannot be puked out, and if the hospital staff act fast, they can be saved by removing the clump through surgery. however, there are incidents where it took too long to remove it and the patients die before they even reach stage four
> 
> 6) patients are not obliged to tell the hospital staff who they love, and the hospital staff, even the ones assigned to the patient are discouraged from finding out who he/she love because of the sensitivity of the issue and it is deemed unprofessional. but it is not uncommon to have the patient tell the hospital staff on their own accord.
> 
> 7) MOST IMPORTANTLY: ONLY when the patient hears and believes that the person he/she loves love them back, will their hanahaki be cured
> 
> hope this helps!!!


	2. seven: part one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri meets Victor as nurse and patient for the first time, and he doesn't understand why Yuri, and even Yakov are so hostile towards him when they have never known him before. As Yuuri go about his nursing duties, he picks up on hints that brings him closer to revealing the truth, or will he dismiss them as nothing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy :3

Both doctor and nurse rushed towards the emergency rooms. Yuuri’s heart was hammering painfully against his chest. Victor, his idol and once only reachable through the posters plastered in his room and the internet, was now only _steps_ away from him.

However, some of the excitement dwindled away when he recalled how Victor had mistaken him for a fan that night.

Even though Victor was on a total different level from him, Yuuri was still arrogant enough to _desire_ to be acknowledged by him, or at least not as someone so insignificant that he didn’t deserve to be recognized by his idol after all the hard work he been through to be able to compete on the same ice as him. _But failed miserably still,_ Yuuri reminded himself.

He didn't want Victor to see how he had given up on his skating career and attempting to bury his failed one away under his new job, although it was highly illogical to think that way.

For Victor, Yuuri was just one of millions of his fans. Yet, his face still flushed in shame. Victor would not have given up if he was Yuuri.

Before reaching the room Victor was hospitalized in, the sound of retching, coughs and desperate inhales in between rare breaks of reprieve resounded through the hallway, intersected by frantic orders and the rush of feet.

Hospital staff buzzed in and out, pails after pails passed towards the room were returned with an abundance of white flowers, edges tainted with blood. The sickly sweet scent combined with the smell of rust wafting through made Yuuri nauseated.

They entered the room.

Upon the sight of Dr Phichit and Nurse Yuuri, the emergency hospital staff parted like the red sea. One of them stepped forward to inform them of the current situation: an increasing clump of flowers was obstructing Victor’s windpipe and immediate surgery was needed.

However, Yuuri did not hear a single word of it. The image of Victor etched in Yuuri's mind was graceful and magnificent, in his top prime, but not _this,_ who laid on the emergency bed, specks of blood dotting his lips and staining the plastic fabric of the bed, flowers and petals foaming at his mouth, his glittery costume flecked with splatters of red.

He lurched forward into the container on his chest before it was removed by a nurse and he fell back onto the bed, breath shallow and eyes shut in pain.

Immediately, Phichit flashed a torchlight into Victor’s mouth, before placing fingers along his chest and throat to gauge the size of the clump and location. Then, he let out a string of orders towards the staff that sounded like cotton to Yuuri's ears.

And all Yuuri could do, was stand shockingly still, staring at his idol being dragged out towards the surgery room. The one Yuuri had worshiped for more than fifteen years of his life arched his back painfully, chest heaving desperately, as Victor struggled to do the simplest act: breathe.

 

 

 

 

As a professional nurse, Yuuri should have been checking on the other patients and clearing up his ever-piling stack administration work. However, as he glanced towards the clock hanging above him, if he was one, he would have been asleep at the apartment he shared with Phichit right now, all tasks completed.

But when it came to Victor, he have been hurled back in time, back to his ice skating days where he watches him from a distance, longing to dance on the same ice as him.

Or had this longing never cease? Victor was a reminder of his past and career he wanted to leave behind and forget once and for all, but for him to pop up so abruptly only served to make Yuuri second guess his decision to do so.

In the end, his depressing train of thoughts didn't matter, he bet it was just shame from giving up and being seen like a coward and a failure. Yuuri had the rare second chance to start over and he would not let it all go to waste like his ice skating career.

Yet, Yuuri was currently doing the direct opposite: he was determined to sit here all night if that was what it took until he was certain that Victor came out fine, or as fine as he could be in his state.

Then, as if the heavens have heard his plea, the automatic doors swished open and Phichit exited the room holding Victor’s surgery, fatigue evident on his face. He did not seem to be surprised that Yuuri was sitting right outside for hours on end.

Walking towards him, Phichit placed a comforting hand on Yuuri’s shoulder before he could even began his bombardment of questions.

“He’s fine, Yuuri.” Yuuri slumped back down on the hard plastic seat with a relieved sigh, he didn't realize he had been this tense. “Let’s go home. We will discuss tomorrow okay?”

Nodding eagerly, Yuuri stood up to follow him. Blackness eroded his vision momentarily and the corridors started to spin. Quickly, Yuuri held himself up with an arm on the wall. “Yuuri!” The alarm in Phichit's voice was evident. Worried eyes entered his returning sight.

“Did you even eat anything today since this morning?” Shaking his head ashamedly, Phichit let out a sigh, taking Yuuri's arm around his shoulder. “C'mon, lets get you home.”

 

 

Yuuri had been constantly nauseous since he woke up the very next day, all thanks to his nerves. And the reason for that: he had to check if Victor had awaken.

A bubbling sense of excitement and dread came over him. He wanted him to be awake but also to be asleep so he wouldn't see Yuuri...basically, he was just scared of meeting his long-time idol once again.

Before he could even start contemplating the tempting idea to run away, Yuuri decided to burst into the Class A ward (not surprising with the amount of money Victor brought in with every win), when he still had some remaining ounce of confidence left.

He entered to the sight of Victor’s coach Yakov, and that Russian Yuri that screamed at him in the bathroom during the Grand Prix finals sitting beside the bed and, _oh god,_ Victor staring back at him, eyes wide in surprise, sitting up in bed wearing a thin green hospital gown, the bandages on his chest visible through it.

Yuuri hoped everyone couldn't hear how hard and fast his heart was trying to beat out of his chest.

Trying to calm himself down, Yuuri looked away from Victor and the equally saucer-wide eyes of Victor’s coach and Russian Yuri. He knew that there would be the possibility of visitors, but he was _definitely_ not prepared to see these two certain individuals, with the addition of a conscious Victor Nikiforov.

Was there something on him? Why were they staring at him like that? He brushed a hand against his uniform, conscious of the three pairs of eyes on him. Nothing was out on place.

The room was still deadly silent, making Yuuri’s skin crawl. Something was wrong. Remembering his duties, he lifted a hand awkwardly. “Hi...I’m the nurse assigned to...to....Vic-Vic...” Yuuri stammered in English.

He cursed himself inwardly, he was too embarrassed to even say Victor’s name in front of him.

But before he could continue, Russian Yuri stood up violently, his chair falling backwards. He pointed a finger at Yuuri, “HUUUHHHHHH YOU???” Yuuri took a step back as Yuri advanced forward.

“You were here all along?!" He stabbed a finger towards Yuuri’s chest and Yuuri flinched back from his screams. Although he was being assaulted at that very moment, Yuuri briefly thought that it was quite sweet that Yuri had still remembered him.

“How could you-”

_“Yuri.”_

Yuri turned towards Victor and demanded, “How could you let this-”

“ _Yuri,_ ” Victor repeated firmly, “let’s not scare the nurse shall we?” He smiled thinly at Yuuri. Yuuri spotted that Victor's fists were clenched tightly in the sheets.

“Yuuri,” the way Victor said his name sent pleasant shivers down his spine, he wondered how Victor knew his name? “Would you mind stepping out for a few minutes? I need to have a few words with them,” Victor glared harshly at Yuri, “they still seem to be in shock from my...illness.”

“Su-sure, I’ll come back later.” Yuuri stuttered, and stumbled out without further hesitation.

Relieved, he leaned his head against the cool wooden surface of the door. The first few minutes of meeting Victor and his companions had been a hell of a whirlwind for him.

Was Yuri angry at him for retiring? But wasn't that exactly what Yuri screamed at him to do during the Grand Prix finals? More importantly, how was he going to cope with Victor as his patient?

 

 

Thankfully, Yuuri had a reason for Phichit to be in Victor's room with him since their patient was awake. After ten minutes of leaving the trio alone, Phichit entered and strolled in at a leisure pace, with Yuuri following behind him timidly as he used Phichit as a shield.

“Hello everyone! I’m Doctor Phichit and I will be treating Victor before he is deemed healthy enough to return to Russia.” He greeted them cheerfully.

Yuuri spotted Yuri glowering at him while Yakov looked on sullenly, before he turned away towards the window. Their discussion must not have gone well.

“Actually, I’ve decided to stay in Japan for treatment.” Victor announced. Yakov grunted as Yuri clicked his tongue with a roll of his eyes, displaying their obvious disapproval.

“Ehhhhh?!” Yuuri blurted out in surprise, before cupping his mouth with his hands.

Phichit frowned, “there will be some administration work to be handled for you to be hospitalized here long term. Why don’t you want to go back to your country? What about your family and friends?”

Victor glanced towards the open window, “Staying in Russia for your entire life till you die is boring no?” He spoke lightly, ending with a chuckle.

Knowing that Victor was avoiding the question, Phichit laughed good-naturedly, understanding that his private life is not meant for privy. “Don’t say it so morbidly Victor. But we can arrange for you to have treatment here.”

Victor smiled faintly, “Thank you." Then, his face turned serious. "Let me go straight to the point Doctor Phichit. How long do I have to live?”

 

 

  _Tick tock._ Yuuri laid his chin on his folded arms, eyes on the desk clock. _Tick tock._ There goes Victor’s time. _Tick tock._ How long will it take his love to arrive? _Tick tock._ Will she ever come?

 _Tick tock._ How much can one do in seven months?

It was highly ironic to say the least, the number seven was a lucky number in Japanese culture. For it to be counting down the months to which Victor would pass away...it was too cruel.

_“To be honest, we call it treatment but there isn’t much we can do. We will give your suppressants every three hours to prevent the clogging of flowers like before, but we can’t stop them from growing, so there will be a pail beside you to vomit them out that will be cleared by Yuuri or the other nurses on duty every few hours."_

_"We will do monthly checks to see if we need to increase the dosage of each injection, which will most likely happen later on as your illness progresses. If the clogging do comes up again, we will go through the same surgery you taken a few days ago. The surgery has a relatively high success rate, but with the increasing stages it get’s even more dangerous for you."_

_"It’s basically like a tumor that is steadily built after some time, and if it gets too big...sooner or later it would clog up your lungs and prevent you from breathing, which would be stage four. The last and final stage. Right now, you’re already at stage three. Luckily we were able to remove the lump safely, but you shouldn’t have concealed it for so long, it could have killed you y'know?”_

_Phichit shook his head at Victor, who had the cheek to laugh abashedly._

_“Anyway, the best course of action for you right now is to tell the person you have feelings for about your illness if she doesn’t know about it yet, and hopefully make her fall in love with you somehow. I know its not my place to say this, but I was wondering why you didn’t want to return to Russia, isn’t it easier to meet her then?”_

_Victor chuckled despondently, “I don’t think I have any chance for her to even like me back. You see,” he scratched his neck stiffly, “she didn’t contact me after we last met around four months ago."_

_He raised his head to lock eyes with Yuuri, as if to convey something. Four months ago...Yuuri wondered... oh! is he talking about the banquet after last year Grand Prix finals? Who did Victor met then? Yuuri wrecked his mind as he tried to remember but he could only come up with a blank. That was weird, why couldn’t he remember what happened then?_

_Abruptly, Yuri stood up and scoffed at Victor. “I’m fucking done with this love sick asshole and idiots all around me. Victor if you want to die for this idiot because you can’t say shit, be my guest.” He exited the room with a slam of the door. This idiot? Did Yuri know who it is? What about Yakov? He shot a glance towards Yakov, who kept mum the entire time._

_“Victor, Yuri is right. This is a life and death issue.” Phichit chided gently, “Although the medial staff are discouraged to interfere in the patient's choices, especially when it comes to sensitive issues like these, but both of us have a job focused on saving lives, including yours. Don’t you want to give it a shot?”_

_Throwing his head back, Victor laughed. "Oh the irony." "Sorry?" Confused, Phichit asked for Yuuri and himself._

_"Nothing." Victor shook his head. “It’s fine Doctor, life has given me quite a few surprises." He chuckled mirthlessly. "I’m quite content with it as it is right now.” Fidgeting with the sheets, his silver hair fell to cover his expression. “Would you mind giving me some time to process everything through?”_

_"Sure, take all the time you need. We will come back later.” He placed a hand on Victor’s shoulder gently and squeezed it in support and both Yuuri and him left the room._

_As Yuuri closed the door shut, a teardrop sparkled in the morning sunlight as it fell onto the linen. The last sight Yuuri saw was of Yakov hurging Victor tight, rocking him side to side in comfort. And all Yuuri could do was look away._

 

 

Yuuri sat up straight in his work chair, why didn’t he think about this earlier? He should ask Yuri or Yakov who it is that Victor likes and force her to meet Victor! It was so simple!

Walking down the familiar path, he came upon Victor’s ward. Before he could knock, he heard the Russian trio conversing once again.

Against his better judgment, he leaned his ear against it in curiosity. “Vitya, I agree with Yuri. Why not just tell him?”

“Exactly!” Yuri exclaimed loudly. “Are you seriously going to die for him Victor? What about ice skating? What about choreographing my performance for my senior debut?”

 _‘Him’?!_ Did Yuuri hear wrongly?

“I’m happy enough as it is, I bet I'm the luckiest hanahaki patient." He laughed dryly, lacking in any humor. "If he even had an ounce of attraction of me, he would have had contacted me earlier, or taken up on my hints just now. Thank you both of you for keeping your promise not to say anything. I want us to have a happy friendship till the end without putting guilt or pressure on him. If he likes me along the way, then... it's all resolved!”

Somebody stood up. “Fuck you Victor, I'm seriously done. There's really no use getting through that thick skull of yours. You became a total different person after meeting that pig. I'll keep your damn promise but I’m going back to Russia. I can't see you like this anymore. Good luck to you and your delusions.”

Yuuri could hear angry footsteps rushing towards the door, and he quickly backtracked to the end of the corridor. Feigning surprise, he confronted the angsty teen stomping down the hallway with his hoodie over his head .

“Hey Yuri! What a coincidence to see you!” He walked briskly to catch up with the teen, walking surprisingly fast for someone at that height. “Anyways, I wanted to ask you somethi-”

“Fuck off.”

“Yuri, I really need your help." Yuuri persevered. "You seem to know who Victor likes so maybe we can contact him to see Victor!”

Yuri swiveled his head to stare Yuuri down on tiptoes. “Him?!" He turned his head back towards Victor's ward. "Were you eavesdropping just now?”

Shit. He had said it without thinking. Yuuri glanced around awkwardly, people had started to notice the commotion. He put his hands out in a placating manner, “Well..uh..it could be a guy or girl or-”

“It's not a guy and definitely not you, got it?” He spat out, before continuing to sulk down the corridor.

Yuuri flopped down on a nearby chair, watching Yuri stride away as people around them flitted their eyes between them both in curiosity. Yuuri sighed heavily. His plan didn’t work at all.

Why did Yuri not want to save Victor? And what was Yuuri even thinking? That Victor likes guys? He knocked his head softly against the wall behind him, he must have been too shocked over Victor's illness that his mind have gone mad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://doubletan.tumblr.com/)
> 
>  
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>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
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>  
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>  
> 
> ps in case it's not clear victor asks them not to say anyth to yuuri or anyone else (including phichit)
> 
> A: does yuri turn back and tell the truth  
> B: yakov tells the truth  
> c: victor confesses  
> D: none do and victor suffers  
> E: A, B and C combined


	3. seven: part two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first day all alone with Victor, and Yuuri is about to combust. Can he cope till the next seven months ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omgg thankfully i saw the kubo's interviews which said what victor actl thought of yuuri doing the gpf when victor called yuuri a fan before posting this so i could edit everything omfg. im lazy to type it out but u can read about it [here](https://twitter.com/soukatsu_/status/830286958941319168)
> 
> pls look forward to this chapter w vic clarifying the truth w yuuri (finALLY) and other conversations similar to the anime. i sorta treat this as a parallel universe and how cool will it be if they say/do the same things because vic and yuuri are soulmates as told by kubo [here](https://twitter.com/aki_the_geek/status/828966308712570881). so their bond and love is so strong they would meet everytime whoo!!!! or its just sappy me talking haha

_seven months prior to death: stage three_

 

"Victor..?" Yuuri knocked on the door hesitantly. "Come in."

Fidgeting with the metal tray carrying the injections and gauze needed, Yuuri entered. It was his first day alone with Victor. Yakov and Yuri had went back to Russia yesterday, leaving Victor thousands of miles away from home.

He can't help but admit he was slightly relieved. Both of them intimidated him. The only time Yakov showed he knew of Yuuri's existence was a glare in his direction as he left the hospital. Yakov had looked like he was about to say something as he halted momentarily. Then, he changed his mind and sighed heavily, shaking his head as he continued towards the doors, leaving a confused and fearful Yuuri behind. Yuuri could never understand the three Russians, was this a culture thing...?

But of course, Yuuri had to admit there were some perks to having them around, for at this moment of time, saying Yuuri was uncomfortable was an understatement to say the least. Victor's intense stare was directed solely on him and the idea of fleeing started to become even more compelling to Yuuri, if it wasn't earlier.

"G'morning Yuuri." Victor smiled pleasantly with a polite nod in his direction, switching off the wall television placed right across from his bed. The perks of a class A ward.

"Go-Good morning Victor." At least Yuuri was able to say his name now. Victor looked ethereal against the sunlight streaming from the windows and Yuuri's heart stopped momentarily.

He couldn't believe he was even _breathing_ in the same room as _Victor Nikiforov_ , it was like a dream he never wanted to wake up from.

But then, just as he thought he made much progress, his hands started to tremble, and the rattling of the equipment against the metal tray could be heard.

A warm hand grasped his wrist, making Yuuri jolt up in shock. Victor's blue eyes were focused on him, "Hey, are you okay?"

"I'm-I'm fine. Sorry." He stammered out, dropping his head down in case Victor sees the flush on his cheeks.

 _Victor was holding his hand._ Yuuri's skin was on fire.

Repressing the instinct to run out right then and there, he picked up Victor's wrist shakily, wiping it down with the antiseptic.

Yuuri noted it was thin, too thin to be healthy, and extremely pale, the veins garishly evident against the white. "It'll sting a bit." He informed, plunging the injection in.

He felt Victor stiffened, then relaxed as he got used to it. Throughout the entire process, Victor's eyes never wandered from Yuuri, making Yuuri squirm uncomfortably in his seat.

When Yuuri was finally done, he picked up the metal tray and already half filled pail quickly, relieved to be able to leave. As he was about to hurry out, he mumbled that he will inform a nurse to bring another in soon.

"Yuuri," Yuuri froze at the door frame. "If you feel uncomfortable being assigned to me, I understand if you want to change patients."

Chills ran down Yuuri's spine as he spun slowly to face him. Victor smiled, but somehow it seemed too forced to Yuuri. As if he didn't want Yuuri to...

He shook the thoughts out of his head, there's no reason Victor would feel that way. It was all Yuuri's fault, he must have been too nervous around him that Victor had misunderstood it as dislike.

"N-No! It's not that, its because..." He went through the list of answers consisting of truths and lies he could give, and wondered hesitatingly if he should just tell Victor the truth. "I-I used to be an ice skater like you, but I was bad at it so I changed careers. It was just surreal seeing someone from that world I left behind."

At least a half truth was better than a lie.

Yuuri rushed out after that, too afraid to see Victor's reaction, even if Yuuri knew he meant nothing to Victor at all.

 

 

"You weren't bad at it." Victor popped out suddenly as Yuuri changed his IV.

"Huh?"

"You weren't bad at ice skating." Victor repeated. "Sorry for saying it so late. But I couldn't find a better way to say it besides being blunt about it." Victor brushed a hand through his hair in frustration.

It had been a few days since that conversation, and their interactions had been silent since then. Yuuri had also began to feel more confident with Victor, and his initial awkwardness had bled away to professionalism, but only on the surface of course.

Yuuri attempted to laugh good-naturedly, swatting a hand in the air, although it only looked forced and awkward at best.

Although he was grateful that Victor had considered his feelings even after a few days, he was still uncomfortable talking about his ice skating career. "It's fine Victor! I've already forgotten about it."

"No you didn't and you didn't believe what I just said, am I right?" Victor's eyes narrowed, confident of his observation.

Yuuri gulped, eyes darting towards the door. "W-Why would you say that?" Victor didn't reply, only continuing to stare steadily at him.

Yuuri bit his lips in worry that he would offend Victor, but leaving right now would be even more offensive. Yuuri sighed, he knew Victor was not going to back down. "I know you're trying to comfort me, and I really appreciate it! But you didn't even know me until a few days ago."

Victor's eyes widened in shock, and surprisingly, not in offense like how Yuuri expected. "Why would you say that?" came the retort, repeated from Yuuri's earlier words. Yuuri recalled how Victor had mistaken him as a fan during the Grand Prix.

 _Let bygones be bygones,_ Yuuri reminded himself. "Never mind." He chuckled despondently, Victor would definitely not remember such a small incident.

"Let's just drop the issue on ice skating okay?" Yuuri pleaded, Victor was trying to drag out his past that he badly wanted to forget. "No." Victor replied stubbornly, folding his arms across his chest like a pouty child. Yuuri was surprised: was Victor this _immature_?

"I obviously did notice you! Don't you remember...that night?" Victor said hesitantly. Yuuri was shocked, did Victor remember it all along? "You remembered the night you thought I was a fan after the Grand Prix finals?"

Yuuri didn't want to bring that up, but if Victor was going to bring up that incident when he didn't even notice Yuuri when he competed on the same ice just to mock his bad ice skating, that was going too far, even for Yuuri's long time idol.

Yuuri clenched his fists tight, tears brimming in his eyes as his heart was ripped out. "Victor, I'm already upset by my lost in the Grand Prix finals, you don't have to add salt to my wounds by reminding me of that night you thought I was a fan since I wasn't good enough to be noticed as a competitor by you."

Victor looked taken aback. "No I meant-"

Yuuri snatched the pail next to his bed, sloshing with white flowers. "I-I'll see you in a few hours for the next injection." He ran out of the room. He ran from his past, ran from his failures, ran from his hurt, ran from his insecurities.

He ran from Victor.

 

 

When Yuuri returned to Victor's ward later that day when all evidence of his sudden meltdown had finally gone, Victor had jumped up from his bed and stumbled towards Yuuri.

"Vic-" Two hands grabbed hold of his shoulders. "Yuuri! Finally you're here. I was looking for you but the nurses said I can't leave my room until my condition was more stable after the surgery." Victor pouted, before continuing.

"Please listen to me Yuuri, you misunderstood what I said." Victor's eyes pleaded. He looked like he was about to burst at the seams by his own unspoken words. Speechless, Yuuri could only nod.

Victor took a deep breath. "I did watch your performance during the Grand Prix finals, and from it, I could see that you're a fan of mine from the way you skated because your style had many similarities to mine. It wasn't because I didn't notice you Yuuri." Hands gripped his shoulders tighter.

"Please believe me."

With the way Victor was breathing heavily, wavering on his feet, his face sullen and complexion still pallid from the previous surgery, his eyes frantic with worry yet filled with hope that Yuuri would trust him, Yuuri couldn't doubt his words, no matter how hard he tried.

Warmth rushed through Yuuri, happiness buzzing inside him. "Victor actually _noticed_ his performance and could see he was _his fan_ just from it." ran in headlines in his head, not much different from a news broadcast.

But...if Victor actually did noticed him, then why did he even retir- _No no no,_ he can't think that way.

Regaining his focus, he remembered that Victor was still waiting for his reaction. Recalling his mistake and how he scolded Victor earlier-Yuuri gasped, bowing down frantically in apology. "I'm so sorry for misinterpreting and shouting at you like that!"

Victor laughed good-naturedly, "It's fine Yuuri, I sorry too, for hurting you this much. I should have phrased it better. Thank you for believing me. Maybe you would have continued skating if I didn't say that."

A far off look flickered across his face so quickly that Yuuri was sure he imagined in, before he turn around to return to his bed.

After sitting down comfortably, he motioned Yuuri to a seat and continued. "Y'know Yuuri, I...came across some of your competition videos after the Grand Prix, you have amazing stamina Yuuri, you're _internationally known_ for your step sequences and spins, you shouldn't let that all go to was-."

Victor started to cough violently, and Yuuri immediately got up from his seat to put the pail under him, white flowers spewing from his lips.

Yuuri had gotten use to this sight in the past week, and he patted Victor's back gently as he finished, passing him a tissue. Victor took it thankfully, taking in large breaths from the exertion.

When Victor had calmed down, Yuuri knew he had to say this, quite cruelly even after how he misinterpreted Victor words and how Victor had praised him earlier, although he certainly did doubt the authenticity of his statement.

"Victor, I know you only meant well, but...I would prefer if you stop bringing up ice skating anymore. I'm through with it as it is."

Victor replied immediately, his blue eyes flashing brightly in the dim hospital lights. "If you're through with it, then why do you still look so sad whenever I bring it up?" Yuuri had no answer to that.

 

 

Nurses were crowded around Victor's bed. Yuuri started to panic, did something happen to Victor? _Oh no,were the flowers clogging up his lungs again?!_

He pushed his way in frantically, only to see a healthy and conscious Victor, talking cheerfully to all the nurses.

One of the nurses twirled her hair in an attempt to be seductive. "Victor, should I bring you some treats next time? The hospital food is dull right?"

"Sure, thank you.That would be nice." He replied with a charming smile, and the gaggle of nurses huddled closer to him.

Yuuri wondered how he was not intimidated by a whole flock of desperate nurses attempting to find some entertainment during their dull shift.

"Then I should bring some too!" Another nurse said, not about to back down. "Do you have any food that you like Victor?"

"Well I do lik-"

"Everyone!" Yuuri pushed through, "It's time for Victor's suppressants, please go back to your tasks!" Yuuri tried his best to glare at all of them, he wondered why he felt so upset all of a sudden. Sadly, all they did was ignore him, seen as a mild nuisance that could be easily overlooked.

Yuuri was about to repeat once again before Victor chuckled, the sole person that took notice of Yuuri. "Girls, I need to get my suppressants. Come back later okay?"

In the blink of an eye, the crowd dispersed and Yuuri could finally take a breather. "I wonder how you can tolerate them."

Victor chuckled, "It took me years to get used to it."

"Guess being handsome has its flaws huh?" Yuuri mumbled to himself without thinking as he sat down.

"So Yuuri thinks I'm handsome?" Victor smirked. Yuuri flushed, "N-no no!" But realizing he unintentionally insulted Victor, he continued, "I-I mean yes!"

Victor pouted, "So which one is it?" And as Yuuri panicked on how he should answer before he royally ruins his idol's  impression of him if he haven't already, Victor laughed. Then only did Yuuri realize Victor was teasing him.

He blushed further, blurting out without thinking. "Anyway, I'm the nurse assigned to you y'know, you don't have to ask the other nurses for food."

"Why is Yuuri _jealous?_ " Victor teased. "N-No! Just doing my job." Victor nodded, although he did not look convinced one bit.

"What's your favorite food Yuuri?" Yuuri was taken aback. "Me? Katsudon."

"Okay, please cook one for me then!"

"Don't you want to eat something you like instead?" Yuuri was confused. "But as your patient, I like to know Yuuri better." Victor said matter of factly, without a single shred of embarrassment, which Yuuri inherently felt for him on his own part.

Even with the embarrassment, Yuuri could not deny the warmth that blossomed in his heart, it had been a while since he felt this happy. "Okay then."

 

 

"Yuuri, what are you doing so early in the morning?" Phichit peeked over his shoulder, still in his pajamas and rubbing his tired eyes, in direct contrast of a humming Yuuri bustling around from pot to pot.

"Cooking. Victor wanted to try katsudon so I'm thinking of cooking it for him today."

Chuckling, Phichit swatted him playfully on the back, "Already acting as the wife?" Yuuri flushed, "you know that can't happen."

"Oops sorry. That was insensitive." Phichit apologized, "Anyway, you look happier these days."

"I do?"

"Yeah, I think you know its thank to whom." Phichit winked, but before Yuuri could even protest, Phichit continued, attempting to make a stern expression on his face by frowning. But once again it was Phichit, and he only looked silly doing so. Yuuri tried his best not to laugh.

But, the words were nothing close to silly. "But please don't get too attached, I don't want to see a repeat of..."Phichit trailed off. _Your post Grand Prix depression days._

"Of course." Yuuri assured him with a plastered smile. "Don't worry about me Phichit-kun, I'm already over that life."

But fear gripped his heart, he wondered if he already had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://doubletan.tumblr.com/)  
>     
> less options this time HAHA
> 
> A: truth is out by second month  
> B: let vic die  
> C: truth out by last month right before vic goes


	4. six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> are yuuri's questions finally answered...or does this only lead to more questions?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hihi so sorry been busy squeezed the next chapter out through the non existent amount of free time i actually take from my sleep...end me
> 
> but yoi>sleep&studies all of us yoi fans can relate :D

_six months prior to death_

 

The room was bustling with people. Not nurses this time thankfully, but the ice skaters under Yakov.

Yuuri tried his best to avoid them all, lest it brought along any unnecessary awkwardness, especially when he recalled how Yuri and Yakov had treated him.

He had been able to do so successfully for the first half of the day...but with his compulsory nursing duties, he had no other choice but to dive into the group of Russian talents.

Which was why he was outside Victor's door right now, as voices wafted out through the polished wood. "Y'know Victor, Yakov was complaining that he had a hard time taking care of Makkachin." A female voice said.

"I think it's just you he just doesn't like." Victor teased, most probably to Yakov. "Say that again and I'll toss him onto the streets Vitya I dare you." Peals of laughter followed after.

Yuuri knocked timidly, fidgeting with the metal tray and furoshiki in his hands as he entered. "H-Hi, I'm here to..."

Everyone stared at him, the conversation ceased. He could recognize all of them: Yuri, Yakov, Mila and Georgi. All of them were such famous and successful international ice skaters that even the most beginner skaters would have at least heard of them.

Yuuri gulped, intimidated by them as he moved quickly towards Victor's bed. He noticed that in addition to the countless get well soon hampers, there was a laptop and piles of books on the bedside table, most probably Victor's that they had brought over from Russia for his leisure. Yuuri thought it was highly ironic to give get well soon hampers if they could not help with Victor's recovery at all.

Dumping the furoshiki on his bed quickly, Yuuri moved aside hastily to get Victor's suppressants ready while his patient let out an exclaim as he opened the makeshift table with deft hands, before placing the fukroshiki on it to reveal the homemade katsudon inside.

After Victor had tried Yuuri's homemade katsudon for the very first time, Victor had pestered him to make them for him frequently. And how could Yuuri say no to him?

Victor clicked Yuuri's home-brought chopsticks in the air playfully. Yuuri could never cease in his amazement regarding Victor's cognitive skills: on Victor's very first time using chopsticks to eat hospital food, he could already use them like a true bred Japanese by the end of his meal. And this was no exception.

Four pairs of eyes were bearing down on Yuuri's back and he stiffened significantly in reaction. All of a sudden, Victor grabbed hold of Yuuri's hand, turning him around to face the four.

"Introduction time!" Victor clapped his hands together. "This is Nurse Yuuri, and this is Mila and Georgi!" He put out his hand in a flourish.

Yuuri raised a hand hesitantly in greeting, the two following suit. Yuri only clicked his tongue in disgust and rolled his eyes, mouthing something in Russian that could only mean an expletive, with Yakov sitting silently beside him as usual.

"So you're the famous Yuuri huh?" Mila folded her arms, tone evidently hostile.

"Wh-What's that suppose to mean..?" Yuuri stammered out, confused and taken aback. Why did all the skaters seem to have something against him?!

"Yuri and Yakov told her that you're my nurse." Victor explained hastily, although it didn't explain her expression. A flicker of pain passed across his face as Yuuri prodded the syringe in.

"And you... _co-cook_ for him too?" Mila asked incredulously. "Victor ask me to so..." Yuuri trailed off, scratching his head sheepishly.

Georgi sighed, shaking his head. "This is sadder than my girlfriend dumping me." It looked like Georgi was the only one that didn't seem to hold an invincible grudge against Yuuri, which Yuuri was immensely grateful for. And Yuuri couldn't agree more on Georgi's statement about Victor's unrequited love, which was the same fatal problem revolving around all hanahaki patients.

With the developing closeness between Victor and him, Yuuri hoped Victor would be more open with him soon and reveal to him the identity of this mysterious individual that has seized Victor's heart.

As he left, he heard Mila whisper, quite loudly at that. "I know you want us to keep your promise but _damn._ If you can be shameless enough to make him cook for you, I don't see why you can't con-"

 _Continue to what?_ Yuuri thought. He didn't get to hear the end of the sentence as the door closed shut behind him.

 

 

They were there the next day again, but with the exclusion of Yuri. As Yuuri did the routinely familiar tasks which included _another_ katsudon, the rest conversed in their native language.

Then, Yuri entered with a boy a few years older than he was, carrying yet another get well soon hamper. That's odd, Yuri seemed to look happier than usual, Yuuri noted.

The new visitor stood in front of Victor, took a bow, and passed Victor his hamper. Wishing him a safe recovery curtly, he left after Victor thanked him, with Yuri following behind.

"Who's that?" Yuuri asked Victor. "Otabek Atlin, he won silver at the World Figure Skating Championships. I'm touched he came, he's usually very reserved to himself." Victor's eyes glanced towards the door just as Otabek left.

"Since when was Yuri friends with Otabek?" Mila asked curiously, her eyes trailing towards the same direction as Victor.

As Yuuri left Victor's room, Mila had also did the same and called out to him. Halting, he waited for her to catch up.

"Shall we get a drink?" She suggested. This was the first time there was no maliciousness in her eyes other than curiosity. Yuuri agreed.

 

 

Yuuri passed a canned coffee to her, taking one for himself. He sunk down onto the bench next to Mila. Although it was spring, the air was still slightly chilly. He gulped down the warmed coffee, grateful for the heat.

At the corner of his eye, he spotted Otabek and Yuri having a serious conversation, too far away from the both of them to hear, as they leaned against the edge of the glass partitions where the roof ended in a sheer seven floors drop below.

Yuuri shivered, _those teenagers._ They seem to match each other perfectly as they started to exchange a handshake, and Yuuri was shockd to actually see a Yuri with an actual _smile._ Following Yuuri's line of sight, Mila smiled softly towards Yuri that bordered on affection. "You made a new friend huh?"

Then did her expression turn serious, worry evident in the slight pinch between her eyebrows. She rubbed the rim of the can with her thumb, as if she was mulling over what to say.

"Aren't you curious who Victor's lover is?" Mila finally said. "I did." Yuuri replied.

"But Victor didn't want to contact her when Phichit asked. And Yuri and Yakov seem to know but didn't want to find her either. So-"

"So since they didn't do anything, you would rather watch him die?" She whipped her head towards Yuuri, anger flashing in those dark blue eyes like lightning before a potential storm.

"N-No!" Yuuri replied frantically. "Hospital staff aren't encouraged to interfere in their patients' personal affairs...but I want to ask him again soon, when we're closer." As if satisfied with the answer, Mila's tensed shoulders relaxed, the stormy clouds in her eyes cleared. She nodded. "Please do so quickly."

"B-But why doesn't Yuri and Yakov want to find her if she can save his life?" This had bothered Yuuri greatly for the past month.

"That's for you to find out." Mila smiled sadly, as she took another gulp of coffee. "It..." she hesitated, "could be a guy too y'know."

Yuuri widened his eyes. This was the second time someone said that Victor's love was a male. Did Mila know? "Do you know who it is?"

"No, but I have a good idea."

"Tell me then, it may be the righ-"

"Victor's is my dear friend and I don't want to see him hurt any longer." She turned to stare at Yuuri, her eyes ablaze.

She took Yuuri's hands in her's and squeezed them tight, as if Yuuri held all of her hope. "Only you can find Victor's love Yuuri. Only you can save him."

 

 

Yuuri's eyes swept over the empty cafeteria. Taking a bite of his own homemade katsudon, he praised himself inwardly on his improved cooking skills.

After deciding to move out from Hasetsu, it had been tough learning how to cook especially since his roommate was a walking kitchen hazard. Yuuri smiled faintly, he was glad Victor liked his katsudons.

Speaking of his roommate, Phichit was busy and couldn't join him for lunch. With only a single close friend in the hospital, Yuuri ate alone frequently. Not like he minded it much, it was nice to have a rare moment of reprieve once in a while.

Although that had immediately vanished by the gaggle of female nurses making their way to the tables. One of the nurses Yuuri remembered that twirled her hair flirtatiously in front of Victor two weeks ago was now flicking it annoyingly behind her shoulder. "Just because he's a famous skater doesn't mean he has the right to treat us like this."

Yuuri's eyes widened in surprise, knowing exactly who they were referring to as he sunk down further in his seat, hoping they wouldn't recognize him.

"Exactly!" Another piped out. "Does he think we're supposed to follow his mood swings?" Her outburst was followed by a few nods of agreement. "Acting so friendly that day but rejecting our food the very next day after we worked so hard on them and telling us not to visit him anymore all of a sudd-"

Her rant ceased as she landed eyes on Yuuri, before nudging the other nurses next to her. They stared daggers at Yuuri before stalking off to a table far from where he sat at.

Yuuri was confused by their words, didn't Victor said he gotten use to people flirting with him? He shrugged his shoulders, maybe Victor gotten sick of it. No wonder he found it odd that none of the nurses had came over since that day.

But Yuuri couldn't deny the flutter of happiness at knowing he was the only one who could enjoy Victor's company still, and who's food Victor would only eat.

 

 

The Russian visitors had finally left. Yuuri admitted it was a relief, he had to chase them out after visiting hours every single time.

The seventh and last day however, was the hardest for Yuuri to make them leave. For they left with an abundance of tears. Of Mila with streams of tears down her cheeks, of Georgi sniffling into a tissue, of Yakov wiping them away as he kissed Victor's cheeks, and of Yuri aggressively rubbing them away with the excuse of dust in his eyes, but at the same time, also glaring harshly at Yuuri. And, of Victor who blinked the tears away.

It was Yuuri's second time seeing him cry. To see Victor crying over his friends leaving and the fear of loneliness made Yuuri's impression of him change completely. For years, he had always thought Victor as emotionally strong to the point of lacking in any that deemed weak or crippling, but if the past month had not only proved otherwise, this display of a tearing Victor that feared the loneliness that threatened to enshrouded him...made him more humane and reachable to Yuuri.

And Victor had never seem lonelier after they left, as if their visits contributed to his despondency. Yuuri couldn't blame him. Now, Victor's life only revolved around his illness, his books and laptop, and the occasional presence of Yuuri.

He wondered why he had asked the nurses to leave if he was lonely almost all the time, but he knew it wasn't his place to say anything. And it would be contradictory for him to ask Victor to talk to them again, for Yuuri would choose peace and quiet over superficial friendship anytime, and...he felt oddly annoyed picturing Victor with them.

With that in mind, Yuuri could only promise himself to spend more time with him, or at least make his limited days happier.

 

 

"What did Mila tell you that day?" Victor asked Yuuri as he changed his pail, the sickly fragrance of flowers itching his nose.

Yuuri was confused why Victor sounded nervous for some reason. Were there secrets shared between Victor and Mila that he was not suppose to know?

Putting those questions aside, Yuuri had not forgotten the passion in Mila's words, but he didn't believe that he would be able to find Victor's love, especially when he had no clues to lead him on, so what made Mila believe so? Even to the extent of saying he was the only one who could save him?

"Sh-She just told me to take care of you." He fibbed, they weren't close enough to be discussing who Victor liked yet.

"Oh," was all Victor replied, before returning to an anime recommended by Yuuri on his laptop. Thankfully, although Victor didn't seem to believe him, he did not probe further either.

 

 

The next visitor that came was Swiss: Christophe Giacometti. He was well known before, but after clinching gold in the World Figure Skating Championships, he was now an international celebrity.

As Yuuri opened the door by a slight fraction, with the intent to spend some time with Victor, he caught sight of his recognizable dyed yellow hair.

They were sitting intimately, with Chris sitting on his bed, a hand grasped in Victor's bony one. He watched Chris brush his hair away tenderly.

Unable to look on further for some reason, Yuuri closed the door quietly and left.

 

 

When visiting hours were over, Yuuri went in reluctantly to ask Chris to leave. In farewell, Chris placed a peck on Victor's cheek before stroking it. "May he find love in you Victor."

He eyed Yuuri at the door, slapping Yuuri's butt cheek and making him jump up in surprise. "May you find love too Yuuri." Chris winked, although it contrasted drastically with the sad smile he gave. Yuuri watched him walk away.

How did Chris know his name? And why was all of Victor's friends talking so cryptically that he never understands them?!

The curiosity that brimmed inside Yuuri for the past two months had overflown. Recalling the previous scene he had seen earlier, he asked. "Is h-he...the one you like?"

Victor giggled, much to Yuuri's surprise. "Him?! We're just friends." Logically, Yuuri was supposed to feel disappointed that he still couldn't find out who he like, yet why did he feel so relieved at the same time?

"Then who is it?" Yuuri prodded. "I can help you find him and save your life!"

 _"Him?"_ Victor's eyes narrowed at the pronoun. "What did Mila tell you exactly..?"

Frustrated that Yuuri was the only clueless one with no one was inclined to tell him anything, all considerations on asking about Victor's private life when they're closer vanished.

"That it could be a guy and only I can find out who it is. She didn't really made much sense but I want to help you! Don't you want to live? You've got such a bright future ahead of you and yet...you throw it all away!" Yuuri slammed a hand to his chest. "You can trust me Victor, I won't tell a single soul."

However, Victor only smiled sadly at him. "I can't."

"Why not? It's worth a try." Victor sighed, shifting to face his back towards Yuuri. "I don't want to."

Yuuri was enraged, "the Victor I know would never give up."

Victor turned around harshly, _"the Victor you know?_ The real Victor doesn't know how to surprise the audience anymore, who sacrificed his own life and love for more than twenty years of his life for ice skating. He wonders if all his ever going to accomplish are consecutive wins in competitions before he retires."

Victor laughed mirthlessly, staring directly at Yuuri. "but this one guy, he showed me what it means to live, and for the first time being next to him, I felt truly alive. But the next day, he left without even batting a single eyelash at me, as if he forgotten all about the previous night and never contacted me since then. Do you think he would even like me romantically?" Tears started to fall.

Yuuri was speechless. There was actually someone out there that didn't want him? It shattered the image Yuuri had uphold of Victor. Yet at the same time, it meant Victor had flaws and problems like any mundane person would, _like Yuuri._

He sat down next to Victor, wiping his tears away with tissues, his blue eyes gleaming bright even in the dull hospital light. Yuuri sat awkwardly to the side, not sure how to proceed from there, before Victor pulled him close for a hug, his face buried in the crook of Yuuri's neck.

Yuuri's mind went blank, this was the closest Yuuri had ever been in contact with Victor, and he hoped Victor couldn't hear his pounding heartbeats.

With a sudden surge of confidence, Yuuri rocked him side to side awkwardly like how he remembered Yakov did, hoping it could provide some form of comfort somehow. Yuuri felt useless, he was unable to provide Victor with more than that no matter how hard he tried.

Soon, Victor's sniffles reduced. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that." Yuuri apologized, but he was not about to give up.

He carefully pried himself away from Victor, thankful for the distance between them. Something felt weird (or different?) being this close to Victor.

"Victor, why don't you want to return to Russia? The guy you like is there, and all your friends too, even Makkachin! Why would you want to stay in a foreign country?" Victor's eyes were unwavering, "What if I say he's in Japan?"

Yuuri was shocked beyond comprehension. Japan?! No wonder Victor wanted to stay here instead of returning to Russia.

But in the first place, how did Victor even meet someone from Japan? From Victor's serious look, Yuuri knew he wasn't joking. Yuuri guessed he must have met him at a competition before he recalled what Victor had said the past month about meeting his love four months ago at...the Grand Prix banquet! No wonder, there were many international ice skaters there. But Yuuri decided not to pursue further on the details of how Victor met him, it would be too private for a nurse he only knew for two months.

Yuuri pressed on. "If he's in Japan, why don't you look for him? Do you know where he lives? I can help you find him too!" Yuuri jumped up in enthusiasm. He finally got a lead!

"Hmm, I remember him saying he lives in a hot spring resort." Victor narrowed his eyes at Yuuri. Leaning away, Yuuri was confused how he had offended Victor all of a sudden.

"Th-There's a lot of hot spring resorts in Japan. It'll be hard to find. Any other details?" Telling Victor that his family runs a hot spring resort too would be too inappropriate right now in this crucial conversation, so he decided to keep silent about it lest they get distracted.

Victor sighed disappointingly, shaking his head. "Ah then that's too bad." Yuuri lamented.

"Let's talk about your unrequited love then." Yuuri sat down once again at a safe distance away from Victor. "Even if he seem that he doesn't want a romantic relationship with you, isn't it still better to try? Maybe he will fall in love with you! Don't you think?"

Victor had embraced him once again before Yuuri could react. He felt Victor smile against his skin, his hands creeping up to hug Yuuri tight. Yuuri blushed, thankful he was out of Victor's sight.

"Thank you Yuuri for caring so much about me. I do hope so." Victor pulled back. "But only if he falls in love with me on his own accord, without knowing his the cause of my illness."

"But won't he think you like someone else?" Victor smiled sadly. "That's the problem."

"Then ho-"

"I've started to talk to him through emails. Hopefully it would work. Yuuri," he placed both hands on Yuuri's shoulders, "promise me you would stop interfering. I would like a pleasant stay here without any more reminders of it, so please stop bringing him up in our conversations alright?"

Yuuri could see the pain in the way he squinted his eyes, in the way his shoulders hunched, and in the way the heart monitor started to beat rapidly.

Yuuri sighed, he had to trust Victor on this. Logically, everyone would be desperate to find a way to save themselves from death right? "I promise. But keep me up to date of any progress okay?" Victor hugged him once again. "Thank you for understanding Yuuri."

Yuuri wondered why he felt a deep ache in his heart, if Victor's love did like him back, which means Victor wouldn't need to stay here any longer...What was he thinking? Victor's life was at stake here. Yuuri returned the hug, moving his arms up to squeeze him tight too.

"By the way, there's this myth that the flowers you puke represents the feelings you have for the person you like right?" Victor said, disentangling himself from Yuuri to pick up a flower on the top of the pile from the pail, twirling it around his fingers.

"I went to do some research. This," he held the dewy white flower up, "is a linaria bipartita."

He placed it in Yuuri's hair, pressing a chaste kiss to Yuuri's forehead. "It means: please notice my love for you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](http://doubletan.tumblr.com/)
> 
>  
> 
> dear yuuri, its not 'continue' but 'confess' :P 
> 
> a furoshiki is that cloth thingy japanese use to wrap their bentos in and carry around!
> 
> and does anyone see me slipping in the 'are you gna be my friend or not?' otayuri scene? hehe i just feel that when a couple's love is so strong, even in diff universes the same things happen that brings them tght :") for the rooftop scene its actl a garden that i referenced from a picture but ill link it when i describe it more in detail when victor and yuuri spends time there in the later chapters *hint hint*


	5. five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> where victor and yuuri hangs out in more places other than victor's boring ward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello here's an update and can you _believe_ the story is already halfway through?!

_five months prior to death_

 

"I swear Yakov, I'm this close okay? I see him everyday, do you think I have no chance to make him fall in-" Yuuri entered the room to the sight of Victor fully engrossed in his Skype video chat. This was the first time he saw Victor looking this distressed, one hand brushing through his silver hair, brows furrowing deep as he sighed exasperatedly.

However, at the sight of Yuuri, his eyes widened horror, before he slammed his laptop shut. Yuuri wasn't surprised that Victor would end the call when he came in, he understood that Yakov and Victor were like father and son and he respected their privacy.

"Ah Yuuri!" Victor clapped his hands together, a smile breaking on his face, but eyes still evidently frenzied. Yuuri wondered what about that conversation made him so nervous. "Just the person I wanted to see. Could you do me a favor?" Victor rubbed his face against Yuuri's arms. Yuuri sighed, after more than two months with him, he had gotten used to the touchy habit Victor has. His forehead tingled from the thought and he blushed, reminding him once again where Victor had kissed him.

"Let's go drinking!" Victor raised a hand up in his enthusiasm. "Especially when I'm recovered enough to walk around now, and I also remember seeing a bar near the hospital."

"I can't," came the immediately reply from Yuuri.

"Can't or won't?" Victor lifted an eyebrow teasingly, but seeing that Yuri had not budge an inch, he decided to take on another tactic. Victor pouted, "Just this once please?" he stared up at Yuuri with doe eyes.

Yuuri sighed, this man was _twenty-eight years old._ "What if you need to puke halfway through?"

"Don't worry, an hour will be fine." Victor said lightly.

However, Yuuri was extremely worried to say the least. In Victor's last checkup, the flowers had developed to be able to withstand the suppressants, and an increase in dosage was required. It only portrayed the gravity of his illness, and the dwindling amount of time Victor had left.

"I'll be fired if we get caught."

"Let's go when the nurses change shifts then, I can borrow some of your clothes." came the swift and stubborn reply.

Yuuri sought for a passable excuse. "...It's unhealthy for you."

"I'm about to _die_ Yuuri," Victor chuckled as if he was telling a pleasant joke, "so it doesn't matter to me."

Yuuri was about to protest he could actually live if he was more, much much _more_ initiative towards who he likes, but he decided to keep it to himself when he recalled his promise he made to Victor pertaining interfering with Victor's romance.

And with the constant pester coming from Victor to go drinking in the next few days only proved to wear down on Yuuri's defenses. And since when had Yuuri been able to say no to Victor for long?

So unfortunately on a certain midnight, Yuuri found himself and Victor en route towards the hospital exit. Victor's recognizable hair was carefully concealed under one of Yuuri's beanies, sunglasses hiding his distinguishable eyes.

Seeing Victor in his clothes, having Yuuri's scent on him, and those jeans (also from Yuuri) that was slightly tight for his height, making his bottom more prominent...Yuuri reminded himself that he had to stay calm in such a critical time.

With clothes and other accessories hiding his appearance well, nobody seem to have spotted the international idol that looked in the pink of health. Yuuri's heart ached with pain, if only his appearance mirrored his health.

Trying his best to walk normally and not as if he was breaking some serious nursing rule of conduct, Yuuri still can't help but feel he was being too tensed. He peeked at Victor, who strolled down the quiet corridors as if without a care in the world. Yuuri was once again dreadfully reminded of his nervousness and lack of confidence.

Soon, the front doors were visible and Yuuri had to stop himself from running towards it. As he was walking past the counter, with the exit only steps away-"Yuuri!" Yuuri froze, turning back shakily to see Phichit walking towards him. "Hey Yuuri! Where are you going? Don't your shift end later?" Phichit glanced at his watch. Yuuri froze on the spot, eyes darting towards the counter in front of him where the staff had started to look towards them in curiosity.

Before Phichit glanced towards the figure next to Yuuri, his eyes widening in recognition and he flushed in embarrassment. "Ah sorry sorry!" He pretended to glance at his watch. "I must have mixed up your shift timings. Have fun!" Phichit winked at both of them and proceeded to run off, leaving a blushing Yuuri and a chuckling Victor behind.

 

 

Victor chuckled, Yuuri never did learn to restraint himself from drinking, especially even after that day. Saying he would be the responsible nurse and abstain from drinking to bring Victor back safe and sound to the hospital in an hour...and look how that turned out. It was past three, his footsteps echoing loudly through the empty hallway and Victor prayed it would stay that way until he reaches his ward. At least Victor had to be grateful for the fact that Yuuri didn't down sixteen glasses of champagne like that night or he was definitely sure that both of them would have been caught before they could even take a step back into the hospital.

Yuuri giggled, breaking through Victor's thoughts. He buried his nose deep into the crook of Victor's neck below him. "You smell goooddd."

"Oi Yuuri, keep it down or we're gonna be caught." Yuuri giggled, pressing a finger to Victor's lips, his hot breath puffing at Victor's ear. "Okay you too then."

Victor shivered pleasantly, his lips tingling from where Yuuri touched him. _Damn that drunk Yuuri._ But this was not the time to let his desires get the better of himself, even if he himself was slightly tipsy. Victor marched on resolutely with the weight of a full grown man bearing down his back.

Finally, he dumped Yuuri on his bed, before strong hands grabbed at his neck, pulling Victor down on top of him. "Oi Yuu-"

"Victorrr," Yuuri nuzzled against him, "let's sleep together."

Victor froze, "wh-what?" Yuuri moved to the side, patting the empty side beside him. "C'mon," he commanded, "I'm tired." And then, those eyes he remembered during the banquet that sparkled incandescently like all the galaxies in the universes fluttered shut and his breathing evened in his slumber.

Victor let out a self-deprecating laugh, realizing what Yuuri meant. He and his lewd train of thoughts. Did he even think he had a _chance?_ With Yuuri of all people? He stared longingly at Yuuri, now splayed out on his bed only for Victor's eyes.

From thousands of miles away to only centimeters apart, who would have thought?

Was Victor lucky...or ill-fated? He didn't have an answer to that. Compared to other hanahaki victims that couldn't even meet with the person they loved till they passed away, Yuuri would be by his side and taking care of him till he did. Even if he was the cause. And... a reminder of what he could not have.

Yuuri was a total paradox to him. Brave, but lacking in confidence. Loved by many, but unloved by his own self. Innocent, but could pole dance like a sex god. Victor had never met someone anywhere remotely similar to him in his entire life. Not only that, he was the answer to Victor's love and life, the only unreplaceable thing that would make his life complete.

And, he was also a total question mark.

He wondered what Yuuri actually felt for him. Yuuri seem to avoid or act like he didn't know anything related to that banquet night. Was it because he was ashamed of what he did? Or because he regretted everything he did with Victor? But if that was so, Yuuri wouldn't have acted so friendly towards him...

Victor had no answer to them and so, he brushed those unanswered questions away.

It didn't matter to Victor. If Yuuri didn't want to talk about it, he would not pry, no matter how significant it was to Victor that landed him where he was today. Victor was going to seize any opportunities that he could get with Yuuri. Yuuri was stuck with him and with his own life at stake, Victor was damned if he didn't try his very best to make Yuuri fall in love with him.

With that said, Victor delved into the bed sheets, stroking Yuuri's sleeping face before taking his glasses out gingerly onto the bed stand. A finger followed the prominent trail of his jawline, the plushness of his lips, the luscious eyelashes, as he brushed Yuuri's hair away to the side. He looked at ease and innocent, so different from the slightly guarded way he always look at Victor.

Will Yuuri ever look at him openly, with only love for Victor in them? Victor knew it could only very well be his imagination.

He pretended that Yuuri was here on his own volition, in Yuuri's parents' hot spring resort that he will never get a chance to visit, that Yuuri loved him as much as Victor did.

He hugged Yuuri to his chest. Yuuri snuggled closer to him unconsciously in his sleep, leg swinging over to rest on Victor's hip. Bathed in Yuuri's scent, Victor took a deep inhale, pressing his nose to Yuuri's soft hair. It smelt of disinfectant and something uniquely Yuuri, it smelled of life, of warmth, of _love._

He never felt more complete.

Victor slept to an unachievable dream. Where he was coaching Yuuri, living in his parents' bath house, where every night, he sleeps with Yuuri in his bed, and he had never been happier.

 

 

"Yuuri," someone whispered in Yuuri's ear. He ignored it, wanting to go back to sleep. This was the first time he ever felt so warm and comfortable in bed, and he was not going to give that up for anything else.

Unfortunately, the voice in his ear was persistent. He mumbled, "Go away."

"Yuuri! Wake up please!" It sounded of Phichit and desperateness, which was rarely a combination. Alarmed, Yuuri had no choice but to waken to reality...or to to the sight of Victor's chest. Yuuri jumped up with shock, falling off the bed with a loud clatter.

"Yuuri! Are you okay?" Phichit picked him up.

"Phi-Phichit?" Yuuri croaked out, as he searched frantically for his glasses before finding them on the bed stand. Rustling from the noise, Victor got up languidly as he took a stretch and rubbed his eyes. God, how did Victor look _so good_ even though he just woke up?

"Yuuri? Are you okay?" Phichit repeated. Then, did Yuuri come back to his senses.

"I-I'm so so sorry Victor! So sorry for just now...I-I mean last night! I always start going off the rail when I get drunk like my..." He trailed off, grabbing at Victor's hospital gown before throwing it at him.

"Please change before the other nurses see us!" Yuuri pleaded, pushing a groggy and bewildered Victor towards the adjoining toilet in the room.

As the door slammed shut behind Yuuri, he let out a large exhale of relief, thinking that the worse was over. He was wrong.

Phichit sat down and crossed his legs, sending a wink at Yuuri's direction. "Seems like you had fun last night."

Yuuri blushed, "we just got drunk that's all. And thanks for just now, and yesterday too."

"I should be the one apologizing for nearly ruining your date." Phichit winked once again, and Yuuri responded with a darker shade of red.

Phichit fished out his phone , producing a picture of Yuuri and Victor blissfully asleep that their proximity and intimacy could easily pass off as a couple. Yuuri's could feel his face heat up.

"I'm gonna keep this photo for blackmail."

"Phichit-kun! Delete it!" Yuuri gasped, jumping on him to tackle him down. Phichit laughed, trying to wrestle away from Yuuri.

Recalling that Phichit was ticklish, Yuuri started to do so, making Phichit tear up and scramble harder away from him. "Don't you regret being roommates with me?" Yuuri laughed deviously, continuing his ministrations of an escaping Phichit.

"Yuuri," Victor padded towards him back in his hospital gown, interrupting Yuuri's tickle onslaught as he looked up at Victor. "Your clothes." He said curtly.

"O-oh thanks." Yuuri took them from Victor with a blush on his cheeks while Phichit used the opportunity the run away. "Phichit-kun! Don't think its over! I'll find you!" Yuuri called out, and Phichit replied with a triumphant laugh.

Victor laid back down on the bed, staring in the direction of the door. "Do you have feelings for Phichit?"

This time it was Yuuri's turn to laugh. "Wh-What?! No way. He's just a friend."

"Then, do you have a girl friend?"

"No."

"Any ex-girlfriends?"

"N-no comment." Yuuri stuttered. Why was Victor asking these questions?

Victor relaxed visibly.

"Anyway," Yuuri continued, scratching his head awkwardly. "I'm sorry about last night again." Yuuri remembered how comfortable and safe he felt sleeping with Victor, was he really sorry? Or... did he want to do that again? Yuuri tried his best not to entertain that thought.

"It's fine." Victor waved a hand in the air to show its insignificance. "It was comfier than usual." He winked.

Yuuri blushed. "I'll-I'll be back later!" Yuuri stuttered as he left. Slamming the door shut behind him, Yuuri pressed a hand to his chest. _Why was it beating so hard?_

 

 

Spring had arrived in the form of sakuras fluttering towards the green patch of grass beneath them, the gurgling of the stream behind him and the twittering of a few rare birds that had made their way to the seventh floor rooftop. The air was fresh and crisp, the warm sunlight filtering through the leaves above them speckled their faces with patches of sunlight.

Victor sighed appreciatively, taking a bite from his katsudon that Yuuri made. Yuuri did the same, crinkling the picnic mat beneath him from his movements. Yuuri was still glad he suggested rooftop picnics two weeks ago to Victor.

After that drinking incident, they had been spending more time on the hospital roof that has a wonderful rooftop garden for patients and visitors alike to enjoy. Yuuri can't help but admit he looked forward to these one to one sessions with Victor. It also made Victor visibly happier than being stuck in his small room with stale air.

Wrapping the hospital blanket he fished from his room tighter around his shoulders, Victor cocked his head at Yuuri. "Say Yuuri, why did you quit ice skating?"

Victor's blue eyes were unwavering but understanding, Yuuri knew he could reject his question if he wanted to, but surprisingly, he wanted to tell the truth. He wanted Victor to understand him better, wanted him to be closer, wanted to be closer friends...or even more than that...?

Yuuri licked his lips, wondering how he should phrase it. "After losing the Grand Prix finals...I got quite...depressed." He looked back at Victor to see his expression hasn't change, much to his relief. He wouldn't know what to do if Victor hated him for being weak.

"Because of my lack of confidence, I always do badly in all my competitions. I mean, if you can't succeed in it, isn't it better to find another career?" He laughed nervously.

"Not only that," Yuuri took a deep breath, he didn't know why, but he wanted Victor to know _everything._

"You were my idol since I was young. I always looked up to you and you were my motivation to continue ice skating so I could skate on the same ice as you. But when I was finally able to compete on the same level as you, I thought you didn't even recognize me. At that time, it was such a crushing blow because I thought I could never be seen as a competitor in your eyes. But now, I realized I misunderstood you." Yuuri squeezed Victor's hand tight to reassure Victor that he wholeheartedly trusted what Victor had told him three months ago.

This was the first time he seen Victor blush. Well, these past few months had been a series of firsts for Yuuri. "Y-Your idol...?"

"Ye-Yeah" Yuuri stuttered shyly, face flushing red. "And my friend too now."

Victor beamed brighter than the sun. "That's even better." Victor frowned. "Yuuri, you weren't bad at ice skating. _Trust me_ when I say you have good stamina and step sequence. Even Yuri said so."

"Yuri?!" Yuuri questioned incredulously when he recalled the perverse way Yuri had treated Yuuri since they first met.

Grabbing hold of Yuuri's other hand in his, Victor stare directly at Yuuri to convey the truth in his words. " _Believe me_ Yuuri. He told me after the Grand Prix that he wanted to see you skate with no mistakes."

"B-but, he told me to retire and qu-"

"He was mad that you flub your jumps many times because he knew you had the potential to do even better." Yuuri was shocked and touched by Yuri's opinions, but then..."I already have a job here Victor, you can't expect me to return to ice skating of all a sudden."

"You still can! What's stopping you?"

"I'm only basing it on what you and Yuri say. Other people are going to judge me for retiring and returning to ice skating at this age! What if I fail again?"

Victor grinned. "What you need is the first push towards confidence." He brushed a stray petal that fell in Yuuri's hair, before sliding down to cup Yuuri's chin, tilting it towards him. "Are you up for a pair skating performance?"

 

* * *

here is a picture of the hospital rooftop i referenced from for this fic! (i imagined it exactly the same for the fic's hospital rooftop but uh imagine the grass patch under the trees slightly larger to fit both of them nicely for a picnic! ) 

credits to smilow cancer hospital at yale-new heaven its such a beautiful place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ tumblr](https://doubletan.tumblr.com/)
> 
> A: yuuri agrees to pair skate  
> B: he don't 
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> victor was dreaming of his happy canon version of his life btw or more like an alternate universe in the pov of patient victor! :D
> 
> i know i mentioned it before but for emphasis sake of how much i like it(!!!), i would say it agn: imo i think its real cool when things that happen in a universe happen in an alternate one too because the love is so strong they will always meet and do the same things <33 aka the pair skate! what do yall think?
> 
> and oops did anyone catch the foreshadowing...


	6. four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> where yuuri decides whether to pair skate...or not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> prepare yourselves

_four months prior to death_

Yuuri kicked the duvet off, staring straight at the blank white ceiling as if it held all the answers. He had a _huge_ problem.

Victor words were, haunting, him, _constantly._

Yuuri squinted at the illuminated screen of his phone, it was almost morning and his shift was coming up soon. Sighing, he decided to just get ready for work.

 

 

"Yuuri. Are you sleeping well these days? You don't look good." Victor asked, blinking innocently.

 _No thanks to you of course._ Yuuri wanted to lament.

"Anyway," Victor continued, "have you thought about the pair skating? You may be able to sleep better if you agree to it." Victor winked. Yuuri felt himself blush. _Of course_ Victor would know all along what was causing his insomnia. Damn him.

"Fir-First, you're sick. Second, I'm not on the same level as you. Third, Phichit would never give you permission to leave the hospital for a long period of time." Yuuri counted on the tips of his fingers, trying his best to hide his blush.

What Yuuri didn't expect however, was for Victor to fold his hands smugly, a smirk forming across his lips. "Actually, the director of the hospital had already agreed to it."

Victor never failed to surprise him.

 

 

"Phichit-kun! Victor said the director allowed him to go through with his pair skating idea, its a lie right...?" Yuuri rushed towards a Phichit who was sifting files at his desk. It was so absurd, no way would the hospital allow a sick patient to-Phichit looked up at Yuuri before flipping a page. "Nope. It's true."

Yuuri came to a standstill. "...What?"

"Victor went to talk to the director, saying it would be good advertisement for the hospital blah blah blah..." Phichit nodded his head along with every 'blah'.

"Funds towards the hospital has been depleting in the last few years, and with this campaign," Phichit closed the file snap shut, "it would definitely increase."

"B-but Victor is sick." Yuuri supplied weakly.

Phichit carried the heavy files and deposited them on the bookshelf with a bang."The only symptom of hanahaki is puking flowers."

He side-eyed Yuuri. "Even you know there would be slim chance for him to puke between a four minutes or so performance if he was given ample suppressants."

Turning to face him fully, Phichit leaned against the shelf. "And you would be there to take care for him if anything pops up. Its quite surprising of the director to go through with this but Victor says its for his own memory, and for the audience to enjoy his last performance."

"But he director also understands that if you don't want to do it, he won't pressure you to but you have to be there at all times to take care of him."

"So the real question is," Phichit crossed his arms, frowning seriously. "Do you want to do it Yuuri?"

The thing was, Yuuri had already known his answer since the moment Victor had asked him. But if all he was going to do was jeopardize Victor's performance, then he was definitely going to refuse, no matter what.

Yuuri put his face in his hands. "I-I don't know."

 

 

"Victor, why not do it alone? I can just take care of you from the sides." Both of them were submerging their feet in the man-made stream on the rooftop garden, with Yuuri sitting beside him. Victor steepled his fingers under his chin, he didn't need any clarification to know what Yuuri was asking about.

"Because it's more fun skating with you, and it would help you gain confidence and reignite your passion for skating!" Victor did jazz hands at his own motivational speech.

"But I'm only going to bring you down." Yuuri kicked at the water aggressively as if he could kick his own flaws far far away, as if they never existed in the first place. But all he did was unintentionally wet his own uniform. It elicited a chuckle from Victor, and Yuuri blushed in embarrassment. Victor splashed more water towards Yuuri with his feet, "You won't."

Yuuri gasped in surprise, his whole shirt was _entirely soaked._ "Victor!" Yuuri exclaimed, goggling at a Victor who was doubled over in laughter, arms folded across his belly. Taking revenge, Yuuri kicked water back at him, who squealed in surprise, before falling headfirst into the stream.

Yuuri cupped his hands over his mouth, he was sure his death was certain for wetting the international ice skating celebrity from head to toe, who was currently blinking water out of his eyes as his mouth gaped open in shock from what had just transpired. Before Yuuri gulped, eyes roaming down his body. His thin and presently wet hospital gown was translucent and sticking firmly to his abs. Yuuri looked away quickly, regretting ever having the thought of splashing water at him.

Yuuri tried to stand up. "I-I'm going to go down to take a tow-" Yuuri didn't have a chance to finish, as he was pulled into the water.

When Yuuri resurfaced, his vision was entirely blurred by the water droplets on his glasses. Trying his best to wipe them on his drenched uniform, it only made it worse. Victor laughed at the sight. "Revenge!" He shouted out triumphantly.

Blinking at him, Yuuri realized how amusing the situation was: two grown adults, a patient and a nurse wet from head to toe, standing in the middle of the stream.

Laughter started to trickle out of Yuuri, before it turned into a full-on one. Falling back down into the water, Victor joined in as both of them clung to each other in laughter.

Yuuri sighed as the last bouts of laugther left him. Lying back down, he began to float on the water surface, and Victor followed suit. Both of them were wet enough that they didn't mind it one bit anymore.

Before Victor jolted up, water splashing all around him. He leaned forward towards Yuuri, eyes wide in his excitement while Yuuri spluttered to sit up and push Victor a safe distance away.

"I've an idea! I'll be your coach!" Victor's blue eyes were as sparkly as the stream beneath them as he grabbed Yuuri's shoulders, water trailing from his arms. "Then you can't say you're bad at it because I'll be coaching you to make you feel confident about your skating! I'm finally fulfilling your request yes?" Victor winked at him, much to Yuuri's confusion.

Momentarily, Yuuri thought how absurd it was to converse in the middle of a stream drenched from head to toe. He could only thank that there was no one around to witness it. "But Victor if the performance is to commemorate your..." He trailed off, unable to say it.

"Death." Victor supplied with an incline of his head. Yuuri always wondered how he could talk about his own impending death so easily when even Yuuri could not. "Yeah...won't I be intruding in your performance?"

"Was that what the director or Phichit-kun told you?"

Yuuri nodded.

"I lied." Victor winked. "The song I used for the World Figure Skating Championships was called 'Stay Close to Me'. It was a plea to the guy I like, that he will get the meaning of the song and contact me."

"But of course," Victor chuckled humorlessly, sitting back down in the water, "I didn't get the chance to do it." His movement created ripples in water that spread out until it was too far for the eye to see.

_The butterfly effect: in which a small change in one state of a deterministic nonlinear system can result in large differences in a later state._

The simple act of Victor falling for someone that Yuuri still can't put a name or face to, which caused him to be able to meet Yuuri. And is of present, dying from hanahaki.

"This performance would be my best and last one in my career and lifetime. I was thinking of using the same song for the pair skate because obviously I'm very unhappy I couldn't get to perform it." He grinned.

"Not only that, I've dreamed about pair skating with him _for ages,_ love evident in our every glide and jump." Victor swooned, "But although I know its not possible, I still feel incomplete if I don't get to do it."

Victor swirled his fingers in the water, expression hidden under his silver hair. "I know this is extremely absurd and I hope this is not too much to ask. Even if its a lie to you, could you substitute him just for this performance? For me?"

Victor looked up at him with hopeful eyes, and they contained all of Victor's hopes and dreams.

 

 

Yuuri's footsteps pattered softly towards the other room, clutching his limited edition Victor body pillow to him. Moonlight streamed from the windows to scatter the wooden floorboards with light. He opened Phichit's room door, feverently hoping that he was still awake.

Thankfully, he was. Laying on his stomach, phone in his hand, Phichit was most probably scrolling through his social media. Sneakily, Yuuri pounced on top of him. Phichit let out a shout of surprise, as he tried to shake him off. And as a result: both of them fell off the bed.

Yuuri let out a grunt of pain, while Phichit punched him in the shoulder. "Yuuri, how could you do that to your friend!" Yuuri laughed, pleased by his sneak attack.

And as per custom to them since college, Phichit propped his head in on his hand when they climbed back onto his bed, waiting for him to share what was troubling him.

Yuuri smiled faintly, comforted by the familiar setting. Phichit always had the answers. "Should I pair skate with Victor?"

Phichit chuckled. "I thought just as much that was what you're going to ask. Do you want to?"

"I-I don't know."

Phichit cocked his head to the side, as if he could see through Yuuri's lie. "Then, will you regret it?"

Will he? What had Yuuri achieved in his lifetime? Failure after failure. For the first time, he had the chance to achieve something that can make him proud for a lifetime to come. To finally skate on the same ice with Victor by his side. Wasn't that what the Yuuri from a few months ago could only dream of? But, what if he failed the rare opportunity he was given? But then if he didn't try he would always stay a failu-

Wait, he wasn't a failure. Yuuri recalled Victor's words. Victor was right, he should try his best not to look down on himself when others, on the contrary, looked up to him. Hell, even Victor and Yuri himself had praised him, what did he had to fear if he did his best?

"If you do it or not, just know I'll always support your decision." Phichit hugged him tight.

Yuuri returned it, "Thank you Phichit, for always being there for me." Yuuri smiled faintly. "But I think I got my answer."

 

 

Yuuri was jittering with excitement as he tried his best to finish his administrative paperwork at the counter on the same level of Victor's room. He could feel his eyes straying towards his door constantly. It was just his luck that he was asked to take over some of the tasks from a nurse that had to take an unexpected leave today right after he came in for work.

He can't wait to see those sparkling eyes and bright smile on Victor's face when he tells him his answer. When he was finally done with the brain numbing and manual tasks, he had to muster all of his self control to restraint himself from running towards his ward.

However, Victor was nowhere to be seen when he entered. Thinking he must have gone to the toilet adjoined to his room, Yuuri waited.

Soon, five minutes had passed without the presence of Victor Nikiforov. Unable to shake off the feeling that something was amiss, Yuuri knocked on the toilet door gently. "Victor, are you inside?"

No reply.

Was Victor not in? No, Yuuri came to work early in the morning before the patients were allowed to leave their wards. And Victor could not have gone out without Yuuri seeing him at the counter.

Yuuri knocked urgently, calling out Victor name.

Still nothing.

Blood was pounding in Yuuri's ears, "Victor! Are you okay?!" Yuuri paused, "Victor, I'm coming in okay!" He tried the door knob, Yuuri thanked the heavens Victor didn't lock it.

Yuuri opened the door.

The sickly scent of flowers was overwhelming, flowers and blood almost covered the entire tiled floor of the small bathroom. Whiteness contrasted with red only made it starkly gruesome. And Victor himself, laid in the midst of red tainted flowers, unconscious with blood and petals falling from his lips.

Naked, Yuuri assumed he was about to take a shower. However, his birthday suit did not matter one bit to Yuuri at this point of time. Quickly, he used a dry cloth to get rid of the blood and petals in and around his mouth to decrease the risks of choking on them. Then, he placed Victor upright and sitting against the wall to regulate his breathing.

Rushing out, he called out frantically to the nurses and doctors outside. With the help of a few other nurses, they carried Victor carefully but quickly to his bed before wheeling him out towards the emergency rooms. Tightly, Yuuri's hands gripped the metal railings of his bed as he pushed him along.

He etched the image of Victor lying motionlessly in front of him to memory: specks of blood staining against his pallid complexion, eyes lids and lips painted in a purple tint due to the lack of oxygen, body slack and cold to the touch.

Yuuri didn't need any medical knowledge to know that Victor looked like the dead. Or had he became one already?

Cold gripped Yuuri hard. Was Victor's life expectancy prediction _wrong...?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](doubletan.tumblr.com)
> 
> A: vic dies  
> B: doesn't
> 
> ^amazing choices don't you think


	7. three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> victor is not dead! hooray! :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a surprisingly happy chapter for an angsty fic yay (⌒▽⌒)☆

_three months prior to death: stage five_

 

After the first few times, Yuuri had gotten use to this. Unraveling Victor's hospital gown, Yuuri's steady hands and shy eyes went over the sharp curve of his jawline, the protruding collarbone, his well-muscled abdomen, his well-endowed groin area, down to his muscular thighs. Rinsing the cloth, he repeated the action once again. Then, he dressed Victor back up in a new hospital gown, before injecting a higher dose of suppressants in.

The surgery had been a success, but because of the severity of it and the lack of oxygen Victor had suffered for a substantial period of time...

Victor was left in a coma.

Pressing a kiss to the cold expanse of Victor's skin, months late from returning the forehead kiss, his lips tingled in cowardice. Because Yuuri would never do such a bold display if Victor was conscious and awake right now. He couldn't count the countless things he couldn't do, all held back because of his own flaws.

But what if Victor never wakes up? Enchanting and still like a fairy tale princess (or prince), cursed into deep sleep, but there wouldn't be a prince charming to save him, and no chance for the peasant Yuuri to thank the prince for all those years of shaping Yuuri's life. Especially for the last few months, it had been the most memorable time of his past twenty-three years of living.

Yuuri was not prepared for his death, not one bit. He begged desperately for one last chance. To be able to talk to him, to be able to see the way his eyes contained all the galaxies in all the universe when he was excited, to be able to feel the warmth radiating from him when he hugs or touches any part of Yuuri, making Yuuri's heart sing, and...to be able to _pair skate_ with him.

Yuuri's hand lingered on his sleeping face. His index finger danced along the trail of his jawline, the pallid tint of his lips, the drooping eyelashes, brushed his silver hair to the side. He looked so at ease, so different from the flamboyant and gaudy attitude he always portrayed, as if he was desperately concealing something from anyone and everyone around him. But what?

Yuuri sighed, will he ever know the real and complete Victor? But more importantly, will he ever get a chance to do so?

Of course, Yuuri had no answer. Up till now, he still did not understand Mila's cryptic message. In the end, the one doing the work to find his own requited love was Victor and only Victor himself. Where did Yuuri come in in that plan? Yuuri assumed she meant taking care of Victor so that he could live long enough for his love to love him back and be finally cured. And yet, Yuuri could not even achieve such a simple task.

The flower clump in his lungs had increased to twice its size and so had Victor's hanahaki stage. It only meant that Victor had been suffering with the increasing lump in his chest while feigning to be alright. Yuuri gritted his teeth, why didn't he notice it earlier? He's such a useless and irresponsible nurse, even worse as Victor's friend. Unaccomplished, a failure-

Steps echoed in the silent room as Phichit entered, standing beside a seated Yuuri without a word as both of them could only stare at Victor as if the main attraction in an exhibition, the living corpse in the ward.

Yuuri knew Phichit was dying to talk to him from the way his eyes kept darting towards him, most probably along the lines of not blaming himself. Phichit was wonderful when it came to lighter matters, like indecision or romance. But when it came to heavy emotions, well, for someone who had been fairly happy and positive his entire life, it was hard to talk to Yuuri about it.

He knew Phichit cared deeply for him, and had never fail to help him out, but this was on a whole new level. Phichit didn't understand Victor as much as Yuuri did, although that was not much itself, and that was saying something.

But Yuuri knew deep in his heart that if he tried to reach out to him, Phichit will always be there to provide the best possible answers.

Yuuri didn't even realize he was crying, before Phichit passed him a tissue paper. And Yuuri cried harder as he discovered the extent of his emotions. Yuuri sobbed, "Will he ever wake up?"

Phichit remained silent, unable to provide an answer this time. Yuuri was surprised to find out that he wasn't surprised at Phichit's unorthodox reaction, for Victor was the type of individual that left questions in his wake after all.

 

 

 

 

Yuuri passed the days in a daze. He woke when needed, ate when needed, work when needed, slept when needed. He wanted so badly to just leave work for the next few months, but he knew that was being irresponsible. So, he imagined himself to be a mechanical robot, efficient but emotionless. Wouldn't life be easier if feelings didn't exist? He wondered as he tries his best to feel nothing as he sees Victor not dead, but not alive either.

He hid away all his merchandises of Victor. He didn't deserve to look at them. He avoided Phichit whenever he tried to talk to Yuuri about it, obviously knowing he was blaming himself but Yuuri was adamant about not giving him a chance to do so.

It was no doubt it was all Yuuri's fault, and he didn't need Phichit to take pity and comfort him. And when his held-back emotions have reached the limit and his heart ached too hard for Victor to the extent that Yuuri was unable to cope with, he poured all his guilt in the presence of an unconscious Victor, although he hated himself more after doing so. After all, who was he to cry when it was his incompetency that Victor had ended up like this?

 

 

 

 

The hospital kept patients' information strictly only for close friends and relatives, so thankfully, nothing was leaked out to the media. Yuuri was thankful too, he fear he might break if the whole world knew it was his fault that led to the adored ice skater's death.

Informed by the hospital on Victor's critical condition, his Russian friends had embarked upon the hospital once again. They had rushed into the room, all panic in a flurry. But when they entered, the commotion stemming from them earlier faded into total silence.

It was as if seeing Victor, although as conscious as the dead, had commanded silence upon them and anyone else who entered Yuuri wondered briefly if it was only Victor, or it was the same for anyone to see their loved one balancing on the brink of life or death.

Then did Mila let out a sob, breaking the fragile calm before the storm. Georgie comforted her with an arm around her shoulder. Yakov had to put a hand to the wall to steady himself, _"Oh Vitya."_ He breathed out softly.

For the last member in the gang, he spun around to grip Yuuri's uniform in his hands, shaking him in his seat violently. "You fucking son of a bitch! How could you let him get into a coma!" Yuri screamed into his face, spittle flying.

Yuuri remained motionless, face emotionless. He kept silent. He deserved it all. "You were suppose to take care of him, to make him well again!" Yuri's voice wavered. Yuuri kept his silence, letting him direct his much well-deserved anger.

Kicking the chair under Yuuri in rage, he fell. But Yuuri didn't felt anything as he got up swiftly and left the room to give them their much-needed privacy. He tried to tell himself it was not because of his own undeserving tears that threatened to spill over.

 

 

 

 

Still and silent was the surface of the stream, and Yuuri for the life of him would not dare stray anywhere near it. It reminded him too much of Victor that he was sure he would drown, not by the waters, but by his own turbulent emotions if he ever stepped in again. It had contained the traces of Victor who have thrown a handful of water down Yuuri's back, who held his hand tight, who slept on his shoulder under the falling sakura petals, who-"Hello Yuuri." A flash of red and the wooden bench dipped under the extra weight next to him.

Mila waved awkwardly, with Yuri in front of them, a sulk on his face. It had been three days since they came. He recalled that this would be their last day here. Yuuri would know since they visited Victor everyday from morning till night without a single glance at Yuuri the entire time after that incident, which he was grateful for. He couldn't handle more unwarranted hostility from them which used to stem from nothing previously, but would now be stemmed from Yuuri's incompetency that caused Victor's present state.

Yuuri understood why they could only have such a short period of time here. To even fly to Japan and back would already be hindering these ice skaters from their tight schedule. Futhermore, it was competition season, and they knew it would have affected their performances. Yet for them to come over so quickly and willingly without hesitation just for Victor made Yuuri happy that he had friends that were like family, and cared so deeply for him even when he was always all alone in the ward. He made sure to tell Victor about their visits when he woke up. _If he wakes up._

Yuuri got up instantly, if the two of them wanted to be here he would leave. That was the best he could do. Before Mila's voice popped out, strong and persuasive. "Phichit said you would be on the roof. And Yuri here has something to say to you." Yuuri halted in his tracks, glancing furtively to see Mila nudging Yuri sternly.

Yuri huffed, staring daggers at Yuuri. He flinched and took another step back. Yuri scoffed embarrassingly, turning his head to the side, cheeks flushed red.

Mila rolled her eyes, sighed, and returned back to Yuuri. "What Yuri is trying to say, is that he's sorry for what he said a few days ago, and that he didn't mean any of it. Because if he wasn't, he wouldn't be here right now, right Yuri?"

Yuri could only huffed in reply, with a discreet nod of his head, while Yuuri remained silent. He didn't deserve any apology for anything at all.

"So Yuuri," she asked softly. "How are you coping?"

Yuuri tried his best to shrug nonchalantly. "Fine." He hoped his curt answer would hint to them that he wanted to be left alone. He didn't deserve such concern from both of them, it was his own ignorance that led to this. He couldn't face both of them, especially after how Mila had entrusted him to take care of Victor. He was wrecked enough as it is, and he deserved it all.

However, Mila's reaction was to frown at his lies. "Y'know, Victor told me whenever he Skype with us that you always took good care of him. He said you knew he was lonely and alone so you always spent time with him, and it made the four months bearable and extremely fun for him, as if he was finally alive."

Mila smiled through the stemming tears. "We were..quite a bitch to you in the past. Nothing could justify the way we acted towards you before. It's our fault. We would," Yuri coughed loudly at her.

Mila rolled her eyes, "Fine, _I_ would like to start over, because not only should I have treated you right int he first place, it would make Victor happy too. So I thank you on behalf of him, _Yuri_ ", Mila started at Yuri triumphantly, as he looked away, embarrassed.

"And I...from all of us. I've never seen him so happy before." Mila smiled, while Yuri nodded surreptitiously in his direction.

The emotional dam in Yuuri was starting to break from hearing such touching words that came from Victor, and from the sincere apologies that came from the both of them, no matter how hard Yuri tried to pretend he wasn't doing so. He didn't deserve any of it. None of it. Not a single one.

Tears started to flow out of their own volition. Yuuri rubbed them away vigorously, he was about to apologize for his sudden emotional outburst, that he didn't deserve to be able to do so, because he was the one that caused everyth-Before he was enveloped in another hug. However this time, it was from Yuri.

"Shut up." Yuri snapped like he knew what Yuuri was going to say. Yuuri noticed his eyes were wet too.

However, it only made Yuuri cry harder with the fact that even the unemotional Yuri was hugging him and _crying._ He really didn't deserve such kindness, he caused them all this pain, he didn-

Mila joined in the hug. With the force of Mila's embrace, they toppled into the soft grass behind the bench. But it didn't matter one bit to them. Even with their hostile relations, it was all put away in place of the ache in their heart for the uncertainty of Victor's unlucky fate, standing united for the first time because of their love for him.

When their sobs had ceased and silence blanketed them once again, they climbed back onto the bench, rubbing the tears from their swollen eyes in an attempt to salvage some dignity of themselves.

Yuuri looked around anxiously, thank god the roof was empty or people would be judging them, especially the two internationally renowned skaters for bawling their eyes out.

"I-I'm so so sorry. It's all my fault. I should've taken better care of him. I don't deserve your apology. Both of you should be hating on me." Yuuri blabbered.

"No, no." Mila shook her head vigorously. "We heard from Phichit all about it. There was no way to detect the lump besides the fact that Victor pukes more flowers, which is normal for any hanahaki patient. Nobody could have caught that Yuuri, Phichit told me no doctor or nurse, however esteemed they may be, had ever detected it since the discovery of hanahaki. If that isn't proof enough, we saw how devastated you were earlier. You did your very best Yuuri, you shouldn't blame yourself. It was not and never your fault. " Mila assured him.

"That's the worst. I did my best yet he's still-"

"How would Victor feel when he sees you blaming yourself for something that both of you could have done nothing about?" Yuri cut in, face deceivingly calm, but eyes burning with fire in their intensity.

Yuuri was speechless. Yuri continued, "You couldn't have known about it. _No one_ would have been able to. Don't get the wrong idea, I still hate you." Yuri reminded him, and Yuuri, although knowing otherwise, nodded amicably to appease him.

"I be damned if I let his nurse become a useless whim by the time Victor wakes up. I believe he will, I got to. I know Victor is too strong and stubborn to die just like that, he still got some shit he has yet to achieve before leaving." He narrowed his eyes at Yuuri.

"You better pick yourself up. If you can't do it for your own sorry ass, do it for him." Yuuri stalked off.

Yuuri mulled over his words. Who knew fifteen year old Yuri was more mature than both Mila and him? Yuri was completely right, oh god, he was so so right.

He was ashamed of himself, how could he even entertain the possibility of Victor never waking up from his coma...instead of believing he could? That wasn't honoring Victor one bit by treating him dead when he was still very much alive.

_How would Victor feel when he sees you blaming yourself for something that both of you could have done nothing about?_

Yuuri would do his very best for Victor, not mop around and blame himself out of misplaced regret and guilt.

"Yuuri, I didn't know you would be this upset over a patient." Mila's eyes searched his face for something...but what?

"Why wouldn't I? He's my friend too." Weirdly, Mila looked disappointed by his reply. He wondered why. It was as if he could never get a grasp on what Victor's friends were thinking.

"I see. And here I thought since you look so sad because you started to have feelings for him. I mean, its not normal for a nurse to be this upset, is it?" Mila's laughter sounded off. But the words striked Yuuri hard.

"Wh-what? You mean _romantically?_ It's just that I treat him more as a friend than a patient, that's all" Yuuri chuckled nervously.

"Never mind, it's nothing." Mila looked distracted for a moment, before hugging Yuuri tight. "I have to go Yuuri, take care of Victor for me okay?"

Yuuri squeezed back. "I will."

It was a promise.

Yuuri watched her go, bewildered. Did Yuuri like Victor as a crush? He put his face in his hands, closing his eyes shut. Did he? But in the first place, does he even like Victor romantically?

Yuuri groaned, laying down on the now empty bench. Summer was here and so the bench was nicely heated. He smiled slightly to himself as he recalled Yuri's words. Who knew that angsty teenager could lift his spirits and change his perspective in an instant? Yuuri chuckled, as expected of Victor's junior.

But as he shifted himself, his eyes spotted the intimidating figure of Yakov Feltsman standing under the built shelter on the rooftop garden, not a few meters away from where Yuuri sat. Yuuri gulped, how long had he been there? Then, seeing Yuuri had noticed him, Yakov walked over steadily, power in his stride that could make one doubt his real age.

Yuuri contemplated running. But if he did so, he would have been backtracking, mend ties with two of Victor's friends before souring another. He recalled how he had just promised to make Victor happy, or as happy as he could be, and being on good terms with all of Victor's loved ones would definitely be the key to do so.

And so, he sat to the side, with Yakov sitting beside him heavily. Silence fell between them. Since Yakov made no move to converse with Yuuri, he decided to greet the senior respectfully. "He-Hello Mr Feltsman."

An incline of Yakov's head towards him, "Just call me Yakov." "Su-Sure."

Another bout of silence.

"Yuratchka that brat may be immature but what he said just now," Yakov chuckled fondly, "took me by surprise."

Yuuri's face warmed in embarrassment. "Di-Did you hear everything, Mr Fel-ah sorry, Yakov?"

Yakov nodded, turning around to face Yuuri, eyes grave and serious. "Yuri was right, you shouldn't blame yourself. It would hurt Vitya." Yakov stood up with a grunt.

"I haven't have the chance to thank you for taking care of him. So thank you." Yakov bowed slightly. Yuuri was shocked, he didn't deserve such gratitude for just doing his job, especially from the man that was basically Victor's dad that seem to disapprove of him since the beginning.

"I-It's fine." Yuuri stammered, "It's just my job."

Yakov sighed, looking past the roof towards the stretch of concrete buildings spanning to the far distance. "Yuuri, You have to be strong for Vitya. God knows he need you more than you ever could ever imagine." A gust of wind blew past, rustling the leaves above them and Yakov's coat as he put a hand to his hat to prevent it from flying.

Strong and stable, Yakov stood tall and steady, quiet confidence ebbing from him that Yuuri had misinterpreted previously as intimidation. He now knew why all the skaters treated him like a father figure and he was glad Victor had the privilege to have him. Following Yakov's line of sight, Yuuri had a feeling that this time, he was looking at something far more than the dull facades of Tokyo's buildings, for something so plain would not have elicit such grief on Yakov's face, wouldn't it?

With that, Yakov tipped his hat at Yuuri and strode off into the sunlight.

Yuuri groaned and lay down on the bench once again. He was finally able to enjoy the silence of the rooftop garden without any disruption. The onslaught of Victor's friends family took its toll on Yuuri. Everything made sense, after all, they were talking in English. But yet at the same time, they didn't make any sense. What was this? Why can he comprehend everything they said, and yet...not at the same time? As if there was something lurking right beneath the surface but Yuuri was never able to grasp it.

He stared at the clear blue sky, embracing in the silence, the exact opposite of his torrential thoughts.

 

 

 

 

Something brushed against Yuuri's hand. Yuuri dismissed it as his own hair falling against it, and promptly went back to sleep. Before his hand was tapped. Yuuri was wide awake in that nanosecond, that couldn't be a mistake. Yuuri jumped up from his position next to the bed to the sight of Victor staring back at him, the smile evident through his eyes, even when the oxygen mask covered almost the entirety of his face.

Yuuri gasped as Victor grasped his hand-

Yuuri jumped up from his position next to the bed to the sight of Victor with his eyes closed, his face emotionless and pale. Yuuri sobbed, it was just a dream. Grabbing Victor's hand tightly to his chest, his uniform was now beginning to stain with tears.

"Victor, please wake up." He buried his face into the sheets.

Something brushed against Yuuri's hand. Yuuri dismissed it as his own hair falling against it, and promptly went back to sobbing into the now tear-soaked sheets. Then again, his hand was tapped. Yuuri was wide awake in that nanosecond, that couldn't be a mistake. Yuuri jumped up from his position next to the bed to the sight of Victor staring back at him, the smile evident through his eyes, even when the oxygen mask covered almost the entirety of his face.

Yuuri gasped as Victor grasped his hand.

Yuuri blinked, pinching himself hard. It hurt bad. _This was not a dream._ Rushing out the door with tears of sadness now replaced with tears of joy, he cried out for all the world to hear.

"Someone call Dr Phichit! Victor's awake!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope yall feel happier...especially aft the prev chpt 
> 
> [tumblr](doubletan.tumblr.com)
> 
> a few ppl had asked me on tumblr abt fic updates and all, so do feel free to do the same if you're curious or have any qns abt the fic or just to chat or anyth else!! im a social butterfly
> 
> edit: i just started a cosplay account so follow me if you want :3 [@tripletantan](https://www.instagram.com/tripletantan/) !


	8. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wishes don't come true

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really apologize for the four months hiatus!!! school been taking a huge toll on me but the good news is : promo exams are over so here's the new chapter! :D

_two months prior to death_

 

"Now now Yuuri," Victor flicked his fair hair back triumphantly."Aren't I amazing?" Jazz hands accompanied his statement as if it reduced the gravity of his coma. Unfortunately, not only did it not, it also made Yuuri cringe inwardly.

"Doctor Phichit told me awaking from a coma in three weeks was much faster than the average in my circumstances! Can you believe it!" His eyes twinkled. "And of course as a reward," Victor ignored Yuuri's spluttering protests, "I would like an answer."

Yuuri stilled.

"You still remember what it is right?" Winking at him playfully, the carefree expression on Victor's face was contradicted by the evident anxiousness in his clear blue eyes.

Of course Yuuri did _._ The only reason he didn't mention it was because he was scared that Victor had changed his mind after realizing how serious the condition of his illness was.

Yuuri let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. He had held on to hopes that Victor will not only remember, but also still wanted to do it. He nodded his head vigorously. "I do remember!"

Victor's eyes had gone big. "Really?!" Yuuri nodded once again in confirmation.

Yuuri took a deep breath. "That day when I came to find you I wanted to say yes."

Too scared to see Victor's reaction, he stared at the white sheets below them instead. "But, after you got into a coma and had reached the final stage, I-I realized I needed to stop hesitating and over thinking, before I lose all that I treasure right in front of me."

With a sudden surge of confidence, he looked up and grasped Victor's hands tightly in his, eyes steady on the man staring at him with shining eyes. "Does that mean-"

"As a friend, my answer is a yes. But as your nurse...:" he looked to the side, "I-I still don't approve of it. So if you're feeling unwell when you're skating, you have to tell me alright?" Victor nodded eagerly, unable to contain his excitement. "Yes! Of course Yuuri!"

The intensity of their smiles were equally matched.

Yuuri was the first one to look away. "Yu-Yuri, Mila, Yakov and Georgie also came over to see you when you were in a coma."

"Really?" Victor's expression softened instantly and his eyes glazed over with a faraway look, "I must thank them then." He mused to himself.

Hugging Yuuri tight, Victor pressed his forehead against Yuuri's. Yuuri blushed hard, Victor's lips were _so close_ to his. He blurted out in panic, "I-I can't wait to pair skate with you."

Apparently, both boys had said that at the same time, and they giggled, face flushed from the exertion of laughing so hard...or was it from the giddying happiness? Yuuri wouldn't know for sure.

Victor pulled back, eyes scanning Yuuri's from top to bottom, which made Yuuri squirm under the scrutiny. "But first," Victor lifted up a finger, "that pig body's of yours. You need to get back to your weight at last year's Grand Prix finals at the very least to provide a decent performance." Victor said it matter of factly, and that only added more blow to his words, while Yuuri tried his very best to cover it up with his uniform self-consciously.

Placing a hand under Yuuri's chin, he tilt Yuuri's chin up and grabbed Yuuri's hand, pulling him close to Victor's face. Yuuri blushed once again, his lips were _so so close._ This had already happened twice in the span of five minutes, how was he going to handle practice with Victor?

"Yuuuri," Victor purred seductively. "Before we start practicing, let's build some trust in our relationship."

From this angle, he could observe the plushness of Victor's lips, soft and pliant and he wondered how it felt to ki-Yuuri stood up abruptly, backing towards the door. "What? Why are you running away?" Victor blinked at him curiously.

"Uh, no reason. I got some work to do, I'll come back later."

As Yuuri escaped from his confusing whirl of emotions, Mila's words echoed in his mind once again.

_Did Yuuri like him?_

 

 

 

 

Yuuri knew training, especially with a five times Grand Prix winner like Victor Nikiforov (he was the only one who could win the Grand Prix five times in a row actually) would be harsh, but what he didn't expect was for it to test the limit of his self-discipline to such an extent. It had taken a week for Yuuri to lose all the weight he gained and he had thought the worse was over. But of course, with Victor, everything was unpredictable.

What was bad was that they were all alone, for every single practice. Victor had booked the entire rink near the hospital and it was completely silent besides the scrapping sounds of blades on synthetic ice.

But what was worse was this: "Stand like this Yuuri." Victor murmured in his ear, and Yuuri forced himself not to shiver from his warm breath. Trailing his hands down to Yuuri's bottom, Victor's hands roamed in between his legs to spread it open to a position he wanted, which was of course, highly suggestive. Subsequently, Victor let out a hum, most probably content with his posture.

Yuuri forced himself to think of certain things like the occasional nurse duty of cleaning up clogged toilets or alternatively...Phichit's cooking. He prayed feverently for his body not to fail him right now. "Vic-Victor. Can't you just demonstrate the pose and I'll copy you instead?"

Victor cocked his head to the side in question. "Why? Isn't it more accurate this way?" Unable to reply without the risk of revealing a certain predicament that he currently was in, he could only comply to Victor's "style" of teaching. He tried his very hardest to avoid thinking about how close his hands were to his groin area as Victor continued his ministrations.

Moving on to the next step, Yuuri turned around so that both of them could stand face to face with one other. Yuuri tried his best to look away from those lips, reminding him of his thoughts from that day made his heart thud painfully against his chest in shame, panic and confusion.

Victor was unreasonably attractive, maybe even the most handsome man in the world. _But,_ it wasn't like that was a valid reason to have such an impulse, is it?

"Yuuri," Victor clicked his tongue, cupping Yuuri's face in his hands so he can bring his attention back to Victor. The skin where Victor touched was burning up. "Stop drifting off Yuuri. Look at me." Yuuri felt his whole face burned up this time, "So-Sorry." He gulped.

"Its fine," Victor waved his hand, "now for the lift. Are you ready?"

Grabbing his hands around Yuuri's waist, he lifted Yuuri up easily. Yuuri was surprised he was still this strong even as his illness tried to beat him down. Pride surged in his chest, nothing less of Victor Nikiforov.

However, Yuuri thought it a second too soon. Suddenly, Victor started to cough, his arms trembling before he fell with Yuuri on top of him.

Scrambling for the pail and injections prepared at the side of the rink, he rushed over to Victor, who was expelling flowers onto the ice. Passing the pail to Victor, Yuuri rubbed Victor's back soothingly as Victor heaved flower after flower.

After Victor had stopped expelling flowers, he was still gasping for air, hands clawing at his chest. Immediately, Yuuri injected a huge dose of the suppressants. A few seconds later, Victor's breathing evened out, his arms clutching his chest fell loosely to his sides.

Exhausted, Victor laid on the ice. He turned towards Yuuri. "Thank you. Again. For taking care of me, and doing this and everything else."

"It's fine. I know how important this is to you." Yuuri pulled at Victor's shirt. "You should get up. You'll get sicker lying on the ice."

With a cheeky grin, Victor pulled Yuuri down on him. "Victor!" He exclaimed in surprise, trying to scramble away from him while Victor only giggled and hugged him tighter. Realizing that struggling was futile, Yuuri gave in with a sigh, lying down on the ice beside him. Victor's hand searched for Yuuri's, and Yuuri grabbed his floundering hand in a tight grip.

Staring up at the vast ceiling dome above him, the ice rink had felt like a medium of space where nothing from the outside, _the real world_ could interfere with, where everything was constant and time had never stopped and never begun. He wondered if such a feeling was caused by the rink or the companion beside him.

It made him feel that if he tried to wish for something hard enough, anything could come true: that Victor wasn't dying, that Victor was not using him as a substitute for someone else.

"Do you miss Russia?"

"Of course," came the immediate reply. "But I don't regret staying here, because right now I'm closer to him than I'll ever be." He squeezed Yuuri's hand tighter.

This made Yuuri realize their hands were still gripped tightly together, connected and linked. He wished their encounter could be said the same: that Victor being his patient was not coincidence but _fate._ But of course, Yuuri knew it was only wishful thinking. He wished this moment with Victor could last forever, but Yuuri's wishes had never came true before so why would this?

Instead, Yuuri asked, "Is there any progress with the guy you like yet?" Victor turned to look at him, and Yuuri did the same, the coldness seeping into his side. But he didn't mind it, for Victor's gaze sent warmth radiating through him.

"Yeah, we gotten much closer. Especially after my coma." Victor squeezed his hand tight. "Maybe he will even like me back."

Yuuri smiled, squeezing it back. "Really? That's good news! You can be cured Victor!"

If Victor was cured, Yuuri would never get to see him again. Would it take years before he receive a letter from Victor in the form of a wedding invitation in Russia? But then again, who was he to receive anything at all?

It was getting harder to breathe, the cool air had turned sharp and biting. Yuuri reminded himself that Victor was just a friend, who was going to be cured and back in Russia in no time.

Even so, he wondered why such a thought-no not thought, the future affected him so. But he would put such feelings aside until the performance was over. He didn't, no couldn't, jeopardize Victor's performance because of his own shortcomings.

Victor mustered a halfhearted smile in reply to what Yuuri said. "I hope so Yuuri, I really do."

__

__

 

 

Carefully, Yuuri opened the box. It contained the costume he was going to wear with Victor, and Yuuri was undeniably excited for Victor had customized it to match his own.

Opening the last layer of tracing paper, Yuuri gasped, stroking the soft velvet material of the costume. It was exactly the same as Victor's, except that it was blue, sparkling like the unreplaceable quality of Victor's eyes. He hugged it to his chest, he was going to wear Victor's colors on himself.

Eagerly, he tried it on and judged himself in the mirror. Swishing from side to side and doing some of the positions Victor and him did, Yuuri admitted he looked rather dashing. Then, did he see Phichit with his phone out and trying his best not to laugh as he peeked in from Yuuri's door.

Yuuri jolted up, wrapping his arms around himself self-consciously as if it could hide the costume. "Phichit-kun! How long have you been standing there? This is not what it seemed!" He tried to explain himself.

"It's okay, we'll let Victor decide." Phichit winked, showing him the video he just taken of Yuuri.

"Phichit-kun!" Yuuri exclaimed as Phichit ran away, cackling in laughter the entire time.

 

__

__

 

"No no no," Victor shook his head. Confused, Yuuri could only watch as Victor left their pair skate halfway to switch off the music. Panting and glad for the slight reprieve, Yuuri had leaned forward, putting his hands on his knees from the exertion.

"You're not conveying enough _love_."

Yuuri looked up, "So-Sorry?"

"You're not conveying enough love." Victor repeated patiently. "For example, do the step where you have to stroke my cheek." Yuuri did so, quickly as possible as he tried his best not to show that he enjoyed the smooth expanse of skin beneath his hand. "You see?"

And then, Victor tapped his shoulders.

"Your shoulders stiffen whenever you have to do that." Victor sighed, eyes averted and his hand dropped down to the side.

"I know I'm being too much by asking you to act in a way you don't feel, so if you feel uncomfortable-"

"No, I want to do it!" Fumbling, he grabbed hold of Victor's hands tightly to convey his conviction. He would do anything if it made Victor happy.

Nothing could compare to how bright Victor's eyes shined in that moment. Victor broke out into a brilliant smile. "Thank you Yuuri."

Victor put a finger up. "So how should one who's in love have reacted?"

"Uhm, not stiffen up..?"

"Do it leisurely, with a smile on your face, like you savor every moment you can touch me." Victor said matter of factly without embarrassment, while Yuuri in turn choked, turning red as a tomato. Raising an eyebrow in amusement at his reaction, Victor clapped his hands, "Okay let's try it again."

Once more, Yuuri kept what Victor had said in mind and did as he told. Yuuri was sure he got it down-"Something's off, but I can't explain it. Could you do the first ten eights of the song?"

Yuuri nodded, going into position. As he rehearsed, he reminded himself not to stiffen up even with the blue eyes following his every movement.

When he had finished, Victor was pinching his fingers between his brows. "The position, posture, stance...everything is right. But what's lacking is the aura." Victor looked up, blue eyes staring straight at him, into him. "What's holding you back?"

_What's holding you back?_

Yuuri sought for an answer, what was holding him back? In the first place, why did he stiffen up when Victor touched him? Logically, it would be awkward if someone touches you, but Victor wasn't just someone. He had gotten use to Victor's touches... so why was it different this time? What was Yuuri guarding so harshly against?

 _Blue, blue, blue._ The eyes in front of him beckons an answer, and Yuuri found it in them.

 

 

 

 

 

_two weeks later_

 

_"Four times Grand Prix Finals' men's singles gold medalist, Russia's Victor Nikiforov, will be pair skating with retired Grand Prix Finals's men's singles contender, Japan's Katsuki Yuuri, who is currently working in National Tokyo Hospital as Victor's nurse. Their exhibition is the free program of Victor, who is also Yuuri's coach for this performance. He was unable to perform it at the World Figure Skating Championships due to his illness this year. According to Victor, this would be his last and best performance, to commemorate his ice skating career, and to show his gratitude to the hospital he is staying in, Tokyo National Hospital, and to his nurse, Yuuri Katsuki. The performance is named 'Stay by Me'."_

Applause resounded and the spotlight shown down on Yuuri. Yuuri took a deep breath as the song started languidly. He danced to the rhythm, exuding as much love as possible that Yuuri felt he was bursting at the seams. Every turn, every spin, every raise of his arm, every glide of his feet, everything was so familiar and comforting that it reminded Yuuri of the contentment and accomplishment he attained from his ice skating career.

A jump, the gentle caress of air against his skin, the momentary linger in the air after a jump that made him believe if only for a moment that he could fly, the sudden rush of exhilaration, the stomp of his blades against solid ground once again, followed by the round of applause that followed.

Although Yuuri had always shied away from attention, but when he skates with all eyes watching him closely, appreciating every move he had taken so much time to perfect... Yuuri was a different man, who relishes in all of it. Saying that Yuuri had never felt better was a complete understatement.

That hollow part of his heart that remained gaping since he retired was starting to mend itself. He soaked into the routines, familiar and comforting, of what he had given up. God, he had missed it so much.

Oh god, Yuuri wanted-no, he needed to return to ice skating, even if it kills him.

Then, as Victor glided in, elegant and graceful, the lights dimmed to purple. Victor's eyes were warm and they stayed on him, never wavering. Every gaze, every touch, every brush of air from Victor's movements against his skin made it tingle and burn like fire. If ice skating had warmed his heart up like a hearty furnace, Victor had set it blazing alight.

Victor's face came close, and Yuuri sucked in a deep breath. It was so different from how it was usually, filling Yuuri with so much love that he could never imagined from the way his eyes met Yuuri's. They glided towards each other, spun, held, supported each other, like they were two halves of a whole, an ever-evolving creatureof passion.

Yuuri stroked his face lovingly, and even if it was practiced it seemed to stem naturally from Yuuri right now. It felt absolutely _right_.

Victor closed his eyes momentarily, as if Yuuri's touch had affected him so, before Victor twirled around gracefully to lift Yuuri off the ground, his arms steady and firm, and Yuuri trusted him wholeheartedly that he would not drop him this time.

He realized that Victor was something Yuuri had always sought for: stability and trust, but also, unexpected surprises that brought thrill to his mundane lifestyle. And then, those stable arms brought him down gently onto the ice once more, like how he guided Yuuri every step of the way.

Continuing their symbolic dance of love, both of them relied on the momentum of each other to carry on to the next step. Yuuri wished he could press himself to Victor, to be so attached that nobody would know where he started and Victor ended. On the ice with Victor at his side, two of the things he treasures the most, Yuuri wish this would last forever.

But of course, all good things must come to an end. Yuuri had asked Victor not to practice the final ending until the day itself which Victor had accepted in kind understanding. As they clung tightly to each other, their lips met. Although it was their first time, it didn't feel awkward and stiff to Yuuri, as if the rigor of it was dug out from some innate and hidden part of Yuuri deep inside his soul.

The warm tingle of Victor on his tongue as his massaged his against Yuuri's, of his luscious lips pressing against his could only be described with one word: heaven.

Yuuri held on tighter, hands moving involuntarily to clutch themselves in Victor's hair to pull him closer. Passionate and fierce, only the incessant blare of alarm bells in Yuuri's head that what he was doing right now was _wrong wrong wrong-_ Yuuri reluctantly pulled away before his self-restraint disappeared entirely, a trail of saliva between their lips.

Victor was panting hard from the exertion, his eyes glazed and unfocused. Did Yuuri look the same way? But Yuuri knew at this point of time, Victor wasn't looking at him, (of course because Yuuri is only a substitute, so he shouldn't hope for something more than that-) but the unknown person that held Victor's heart.

Then, as the applause echoed, a terrifying revelation that had been building up for the past six months had Yuuri reeling.

_He was in love with Victor._

_A dying hanahaki patient, that was in love with someone else._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kek 
> 
> [tumblr ](https://doubletan.tumblr.com/)


	9. one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> post-pair skate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just got to apologize for the really late update OTL life been hectic af and i'll most probably update the last chapter asap once im finished editing. also realized it had been more than a year since i came up with this fic idea! how fast time flies! thank you everyone for reading, leaving kudos and commenting that really motivated me to continue this fic xoxo

_one month prior to death_

 

When Yuuri was done giving Victor his dose of suppressants, he was quick to leave just like he did the past few days. However, this time he was halted by Victor grabbing onto his arm firmly.

Victor frowned, "Yuuri, why have you been avoiding me the past few days? I didn't even get a chance to thank you properly for the pair skating performance."

Yuuri kept silent, staring at the ground because he can't face Victor right now, that the person he loved not only loved someone else, but was only one month away from death.

Victor pressed on. "Is it because of what the media has been saying about our pair skate?"

After Yuuri's and Victor's pair skate performance, the media had exploded with speculations on what Yuuri was to the international idol. At the beginning, Yuuri was suspected to be the cause of Victor's hanahaki. But after its seen that Victor was still hospitalized since the performance, those suspicions slowly faded away.

Through that incident, Yuuri realized he had changed a lot for the better. From someone who used to be easily affected by what people think, now, Yuuri was not that same person anymore. He only had Victor to thank for that, for reminding him that everyone's views were different and that they didn't define who he was.

Another good thing that came out of it was the sharp increase in funds towards Tokyo National Hospital.

But Yuuri was definitely not avoiding Victor because of what the media is speculating. Rather, it was because Yuuri did not want to allow Victor to realize his feelings for him if he continue spending so much time with him.

Because who was Yuuri to make Victor feel guilty about Yuuri's unrequited love for him when Victor himself did not even want his own love to bear that even when he was dying? It would be too selfish of Yuuri to do so.

"Y-Yes," Yuuri lied. "I think it's better to distance ourselves from each other for a while until the rumors about us have died down."

Victor's face sunk. "Is it...is it that bad to be seen as dating me?"

Yuuri's reply was immediate. "Of course Victor! What would the person you like think when he sees news like this?" Victor kept silent.

This time, it was Yuuri's turn to press on, "Did you make any progress with him?"

"Last time, I thought he was starting to like me. But...I guess he doesn't."

Yuuri's heart stopped for a second. No, it couldn't be. Who wouldn't fall in love with _Victor Nikiforov?_

"A-are you sure? What did he do to make you think that way?"

Anger rose up like lava in a volcano, "You told me not to interfere, and I trusted you. And now with one month left till you _die_ , you tell me you actually didn't make any progress at all?"

Yuuri could not believe it. Victor, Victor Nikiforov was giving up, giving up on his life because he _'guess'_ the person he love may not love him? And he doesn't even want to let Yuuri help him even after all the times Yuuri had offered to help?

He always thought Victor could pull through in the end, but now, he wasn't so sure anymore.

But he can't have Victor dying. Not at all. Not on his watch. Yuuri would sacrifice his life without hesitation if there was even half a chance he could save Victor's.

Victor gripped the sheets tightly, his hands shaking. "Yuuri, just leave me alone for now. Please."

"But I can't just watch you die." Yuuri stood his ground.

"Let me help you Victor. Just tell me who it is. If you don't want to, I can just look through the emails he sent and see what I can find from those. Two heads is better than one right? I'll try my very best. Please Victor. Give me a chance."

Victor lifted his head, and Yuuri was stunned by the tears starting to stream down his face.

Yuuri stuttered, "Vic-Vict-"

"Y-You can't help me, Yuuri. You _can't._ " More tears started to fall.

Victor turned onto his side, his back facing Yuuri. "Just leave me alone."

"Victor, just give me a cha-"

"Leave." The tone in his voice was final.

Speechless, all Yuuri could do was nod numbly and left. This time, there was no Yakov to comfort Victor, all alone in his plight and burdened by his own secret.

 

 

 

When Phichit had returned to their apartment for the day, Yuuri had all but sprung on him after waiting for hours for him to finish his shift. Yuuri did not want to take the chance and talk with Phichit in the hospital where there was a chance someone could overhear their private conversation.

As Yuuri had told Phichit of what had transpired in the hospital, tears started to well up in his eyes. "And he doesn't want me to even help when I ask him if I could so many times."

Phichit frowned, "Why?"

"I don't know, he doesn't want to tell me."

Phichit frowned in thought. "I don't get why he would just give up like that or need to hide it from you. Emailing is also hard to convey one's feelings and anything could be easily misinterpreted."

"I was planning to ask Victor about this too so I'll ask him about it tomorrow." Phichit reassured Yuuri.

"Thank you." Yuuri said. Those two words could not convey how grateful Yuuri was for Phichit.

And Phichit deserves honesty from Yuuri, especially after how much he had done for him. Yuuri took a deep breath, 'I-I think I like Victor. Romantically."

Phichit chuckled, "I know."

Yuuri let go of a breath he didn't know he was holding in. "H-How did you find out?"

Phichit tapped his chin. "I sort of suspected it but I wasn't sure until the pair skate performance and the kiss." He winked at Yuuri.

"But Yuuri," Phichit asked, "You're sure you've never talked to Victor before he came to the hospital right?"

"Yes, if you don't count that time when he thought I was a fan. Why?"

"Because if it weren't for the fact that he likes someone else, I would have thought that he liked you back too."

Yuuri shook his head. "That's impossible. I mean," he gestured with his hands, "its Victor."

"Well," Phichit scratched his head, "That's just what I thought, guess it isn't. So what are you going to do about it now?"

Yuuri pulled at the fraying edges of his shirt. "I don't know. I have been asking him to let me help out in the past few months because he said the person he like was in Japan, but he didn't want me to. And right now, I'm trying to avoid him because I don't want him to know I like him."

"Yuuri, I'm really sorry for having to say this, but you're personal feelings are interfering with your work, namely Victor as a patient. In the first place, we're discouraged from helping hanahaki patients with their love life, and Victor has been rejecting your help all this while. I know both of you are close, and I also do think its weird for Victor to not share something like this with you after telling you details and progress with who he likes but...maybe he thinks its too sensitive to share the identity?"

Yuuri felt ashamed. Phichit was right. All this while he had been prying forcefully into Victor's life when Victor evidently did not want to share about it and it must have made Victor uncomfortable.

Phichit continued. "Maybe its best if you just accept his wishes, even if it means not being able to do anything until he dies. I know, it sucks, but if you continue forcing Victor, it will strain the friendship between both of you. But I'll still ask him tomorrow, he most probably won't tell me either if he's not telling you, but it's worth a shot still. I wouldn't want to stand back and do nothing too.

And since he's going to pass away in less than a month now, unless the person he loves really loves him back and confesses to him.... you should spend as much as time with him before you regret it and make it the best time of his life as much as possible. Don't you think so?"

Yuuri nodded, Phichit was right once again. He shuddered when he recalled what happened a few months back when Victor was at the edge of death and subsequently in a coma, he wouldn't want to relive such moments of regrets ever again.

Just as Yuuri was about to leave the room, Phichit spoke up. "I've seen the way Victor's face light up when you're with him. Your presence really makes him a lot happier. At least give him that until he passes away."

 

 

 

Phichit's advice was fittingly put to use the very next day.

Just as Yuuri came in for work, a bed was pushed past him frantically, nurses and doctors barking out orders as they carried a patient with unmistakable grey hair towards the surgery ward.

_Towards the surgery ward._

Time seemed to stop when he pieced everything together.

Stumbling, Yuuri put a hand out onto the wall beside him to steady himself before he fell over.

It can't be true can it? Victor had just went into a coma less than two months ago, but then again he was almost at the end of his predicted life expectancy. It wasn't rare that patients passed away earlier than expected... His mind conjured up flashes of worst-case scenarios and Yuuri forced himself to shake them all away. It was better to find out what was happening instead of overthinking.

Chasing the nurses towards the surgery ward, the glass doors slammed shut right before he could enter, and all Yuuri could do was watch Victor being pushed further down the corridor. Yuuri banged the doors hard, hoping to attract attention from any wandering staff inside but the hallway remained empty.

Cursing, Yuuri ran towards the department office, needing to get answers from Phichit. It would take some time for the staff to make the call to Phichit and more time for him to arrive there and Yuuri hoped to catch him before then. And as he turned the corner towards their staff office, he collided straight into the person he was looking for.

"Phichit-kun, what happened to-"

"Sorry Yuuri," Phichit sped past him without a look in his direction. "I'll let you know later on."

 

 

 

Yuuri was overwhelmed by a sense of deja vu. Sitting on the same plastic chair and staring at the wall clock, he realized it has been almost seven months since then. Seven, the number supposedly symbolizing luck but now ironically, symbolized the time before he passed away.

But the worst thing was: Yuuri hasn't made any progress since then. Yuuri clenched his fists tight, his sight blurred with tears. He had vowed to help Victor find his love, but fast forward two months, he still hasn't been able to do so. And to make things worse, his relationship with Victor had deteriorated badly.

Yuuri sobbed, hands forming into fists as he prayed feverently for a second chance.

And a few hours later, he sees Phichit holding two thumbs up and a grin on his face behind the glass doors of the surgery ward.

Yuuri smiled. He got his second chance, and he was determined to make the best out of it.

 

 

 

It only took a few hours before the anesthesia faded off and Victor was awake. Thankfully, this time it was not a major incident that was caused by an insufficient supply of suppressants, but by the rapidly increasing amount of flowers in Victor's chest that the suppressants had no effect against anymore.

It only meant that Victor's time was coming to a close soon.

Yuuri was walking towards Victor's room as he heard Phichit and Victor talking.

"I know this is not my place to say it, but especially at this point of time, I believe I should try my best to persuade you as well. Yuuri told me what happened and I agree with him. You should really confess to the person you love. If you need help, Yuuri and I will always be willing to help you."

"I appreciate both of your concerns. But I remember the first time we met you told me the hospital staff aren't encouraged to interfere with the patient's private affairs, and I hope Yuuri and you could keep it that way. I'm sure I have no chance with the person I like and I'm already prepared for it. Thank you though."

"Well I tried at least. You're a great guy, it be sad to see you go."

Yuuri entered the room.

Seeing Yuuri, Phichit turned to leave, knowing both of them needed time together to reconcile their friendship.

Yuuri asked feebly, "H-How are you feeling?"

"Okay." Victor smiled.

Yuuri's felt immense relief, at least Victor wasn't angry at him anymore. "Th-That's great."

"Would you like to sit down?" Victor suggested. Nodding, he sat down next to his bed.

Yuuri clenched his sweaty palms into fists in his lap. He tried to break the awkward tension hanging in the air, "I-I contacted my coach and I'm going to return to ice skating next year."

Even with Victor's pale pallor, he seemed to shine when he heard that. "Really? That's great. I'm so proud of you. At least I know you will be doing what you love." _When I'm gone._

Yuuri gulped, "Its all thanks to you though, the pair skate and everything else."

Victor smiled, "Nothing to thank. I'm just glad you're going to return to ice skating."

"Yeah," Yuuri nodded.

"And I'm also really sorry, Victor. I shouldn't have forced you to tell me who it was that you love or avoided you. It was selfish of me to pry into it when it must have already hurt you a lot."

To Yuuri's surprise, Victor hugged him tightly.

Yuuri could feel Victor's tears where Victor buried his face in his shoulder. "It's fine Yuuri. I know you're just concerned for my well-being."

Yuuri hugged him back, "Don't die Victor. At least do it for me. _Please._ "

"I'm sorry. I can't. When we fought that day, I decided to confess, and.. he rejected me."

Yuuri froze, "N-No. That can't be true." He wanted to look at Victor, to see how he was feeling from sharing such devastating news, but Victor had no intentions of letting go of Yuuri.

'It is." Victor whispered.

To know your death is certain, did Victor look despaired? Or relief that everything was certain now? What could Yuuri do to soften the blow?

All he could do was pat Victor's back and repeat feverishly like a prayer that "It will be alright."

Both of them knew it was a lie, but it was a reprieve all the same to believe in a happy ending for both of them. If only for a brief moment.

 

 

 

 

"If it's not too much trouble, could you prepare an eulogy for me at 7pm tomorrow night?" Victor asked. Right before he gagged, turning quickly to the pail beside his bed to vomit heavily.

And as Yuuri wiped the remains from Victor's mouth, Yuuri agreed to it without asking questioning his absurd request.

Yuuri had never been able to reject Victor's wishes before, why should this be any different?

 

 

 

When Yuuri came in at 7pm sharp, he found himself to be the only one in the room.

"What about the rest?" Yuuri had expected a visit from the Russian gang as well for such an important and probably final event of Victor's life.

Victor looked out of the window, "It's competition season so they couldn't make it."

That didn't sit right with Yuuri, they wouldn't have put their competitions over Victor, or at least Yuuri thought they wouldn't. When Victor went into a coma, they had rushed to Japan during their competition season to stay over for a few days.

This was directly related to Victor's death in less than a month, didn't this give them more reason to visit? Yuuri's heart ached for Victor, that even when he was so close to death the people Victor had deemed his close and loved ones had chose their rankings over him.

Yuuri stared into those blue eyes he may see for the very last time.

"My name is Katsuki Yuuri, and I was Victor's nurse for the past seven months. Victor had been my idol since I was young, and he would always be, even in death. For he made me who I am today, and I wouldn't know what I would be without him. He was my idol until seven months ago, because ever since he came to the hospital, he was not only my idol, but also my friend. To everyone, he is awe-inspiring and brilliant, that is the truth.

But he is also positive, strong, helpful, tolerant, and helped me to gain the confidence I needed to restart my ice skating career. I will never forget how he continuously persuaded me to return to ice skating and ice skate with him through that stubborn will of his, or how he was twenty-seven years old but still plays around in the hospital's pond and somehow roped me in every time with him, or how patient and understanding he is whenever I need it, or even how he was able to make me into someone so much stronger in these few little months because that's just who he was and still is, even in death. _Revolutionary._

There's so much to talk about Victor Nikiforov and I could just go on and on because he's just filled with so much _love_ and _life._ So I thank him from the bottom of my heart, for this seven months had been the best time of my life, and he will continue to live on forever in whoever's heart he has touched, especially mine. Thank you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im soRRY
> 
> yes tfios ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
> 
>  [tumblr](https://doubletan.tumblr.com/)


	10. minus one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new years eve!! my goal was to finish this fic in 2017 and technically i did? haha.....yes i spent new years eve lazing around and getting around to editing this instead of partying and celebrating like normal people would heh.....

_one month after death_

_Victor Nikiforov passed away from Hanahaki after seven months of hospitalization at the Tokyo National Hospital. The only witness of his passing was his nurse, Katsuki Yuuri, who was right beside him as he took his final breath._

 

The funeral was a private one, which Yuuri was thankful for. It would have been disrespectful towards Victor if the people who came grieved over an idealized version of him.

He could spot the rest of Victor's friends huddling against the onslaught of the brutal Russian winds just a distance away.They had not taken any initiatives to speak to Yuuri and he was grateful for that. He just wanted to be alone with Victor.

Even if what consisted of Victor no longer existed.

The funeral had ended hours ago, but yet they had stayed on, just like Yuuri.

If only to tell oneself that Victor was still _here_ , an illogical attachment to the bodily embodiment of him when what had made him _him_ was gone. Dreading to leave for the world outside of this surreal ground: the last connection between the dead and the living.

Maybe that's what funerals are made for, for the living to have their final goodbye, a closure of the heart before moving on as the dead stay dead.

Yuuri wondered if he could ever move on.

Brushing away an autumn leaf that fell onto the gravestone to the newly dug earth beneath his feet (he tried his best not to think of who laid underneath he really did) : _'In loving memory of the world's inspiration, Victor Nikiforov'._

What a fitting memorial quote. Nothing could describe the miracle man more than this could. It was him who had inspired millions around the globe, especially Yuuri. The speakers that blasted Victor's skate tracks during the funeral procession had started to play the duet version of 'Stay Close to Me', and Yuuri felt the irrational urge to snort at the morbid irony of it.

For Victor was unable to stay close to the person he loved, no matter how hard he tried.

And now, they were two worlds apart.

He wondered if the person Victor loved will ever find out that Victor had died for him.

The fallen leaves crackled behind him, and Yuuri turned around to the sight of Yuri striding towards him furiously as Mila tried her best to pull him back. "Yuri, please don't do what I think you're going to do. C'mon, it won't change anyth-"

"I don't fucking care!" Yuri pushed her away, as she stumbled and fell, her fall cushioned by the leaves. If it was any other time, Yuuri was sure Mila would be strong enough to hold her own ground, but the loss of Victor must have affected her so.

Yuri threw his phone at Yuuri. "Look."

"Wh-What?" Yuuri juggled with the phone suddenly thrown in his hands. "Yuri, wha-"

"Just look DAMMIT!"

Shocked, Yuuri scrolled through Yuri's photo album labeled "DANCE/GPF". It consisted of a drunken Yuuri, of Yuuri dance-battling with Yuri, of Yuuri and Chris pole dancing. A time where Yuuri was _alive._ "Yu-Yuri, what are-"

"Stop acting dumb!" Yuri screamed. "I've had enough of this. Just look at the photos."

Yuuri flipped through the photos. "I don't remember doing any of this. I think I was too drunk to reme-"

A picture of Yuuri and Victor dancing together, faces flushed in happiness and alcohol. _So so alive._

"N-No way. " He dropped the phone to the ground.

"Yuri, when did this happen?" Yuuri asked, even though he had read the photo album's name, _because it can't be, it can't-_

"This was last year's banquet after the Grand Prix Finals."

Yuuri backed away from Yuri, away from the truth that was slowly beginning to dawn upon him.

But Yuri stepped towards him like the truth edging upon him. "After that, you grinded against Victor and asked him to be your coach, and he did fulfill your wish through practicing for the pair skate didn't he?"

"I-I don't remem-"

"Did y'know, he lied about his life expectancy?" Yuri clicked his tongue in disgust. At Victor for lying or at Yuri himself for believing it?

"Yuri, that's enough come on. There's no use in doing this." Mila begged.

Yuri continued as if Mila had never spoken, "He told us it was prolonged to next year so we should just concentrate on our competitions and visit him after they were over because he didn't want us to tell you. And after seeing both of you pair skating we thought everything was going to work out fine, since he's _Victor_ right?" He let out a mirthless laugh.

"We should've known better than to believe him. No," Yuuri shook his head vehemently, "not only did we not save him, we couldn't even be there with him when he-he", Yuri took a deep breath, "he _died._ What a selfish bastard."

Yuri let out a sob, his tears darkening the dried leaves beneath him.

Mila's weeps accompanied Yuri's, making no effort to get up as grief wore her down.

Yuuri tried his best to swallow down his panic, "Yuri, I don't understand, why would Victor lie about that?"

Yuri rubbed the tears away from his eyes roughly, "Victor didn't want us to tell you the truth, that's why he lied. Y'know he made us all promised not to tell anyone who he was in love with? But he's," his breath hitched in his throat before continuing, "dead now."

"So I don't have to keep my promise anymore. I really thought better of you Yuuri. Look how that turned out!" Yuri kicked at the piles of leaves by his feet in frustration.

No, no, _no,_ Yuuri shook his head as if his own mindless rejection alone could make the truth false.

"If whatever I say still can't get into the thick head of yours," Yuri fumbled in his pocket, tossing out a letter at Yuuri's feet.

"Victor wrote this and mailed it to me. He said to only pass it to you only if you happen to find out on your own but fuck that shit. You deserve to know, and Victor deserves for you to know all the bullshit he went through for you.I would have screamed at him to tell you himself if I got the letter sooner but that smart ass planned it so that I will only get it when he's gone."

Yuuri opened it.

 

 

 

_Dear Yuuri,_

_If you received this letter from Yuri, I am sorry you had to find out this way. I hope you know that I never wanted to hurt you, that I hid it with the best intentions in mind and I do not regret what I have done._

_All I hope is that my efforts would not have gone to waste._

_Have faith in yourself , as much as everyone and I have faith in you. Love yourself, as much as everyone and I love you. I know its just a matter of time before you clinch a gold at the next Grand Prix finals and become one of the best ice skaters the world has ever seen. My only regret is being unable to be there to see it happen._

_You have a whole life waiting out there for you, to live life to the fullest and fall in love. You're so full of life Yuuri, and that night at the banquet you have gifted me with one as well._

_Those seven months had been the best time of my life._

_Thank you Yuuri for being my love and life._

_Love,  
Victor Nikiforov_

 

 

 

Yuuri can't escape the truth.

He felt dead inside. He thought he knew what it felt when Victor died, but he was wrong. Was this how Victor felt battling death that had stemmed from his very own cells? Or will Yuuri never be able to experience the same amount of pain Victor had suffered?

"By now, you should know what he was trying to hide from you till he foolishly sacrificed himself right?"

"Stop it, _please_ " Yuuri whimpered. He crouched down, putting his hands to his ears as if he could block it all out. Was it because he didn't want to hear Yuri talk on, or escape from the horrifying truth?

All of a sudden, Stay Close to Me rang out loud and clear. _Stammi vicino, non te ne andare. Stay close to me, don’t go away._

Yuuri touched the soil beneath him.

"That mysterious person that Victor loved, was you Yuuri. _You,_ were the cause of his death."

_Thank you Yuuri for being my love and life._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only word (or the few syllabi) i can say: muahahaha
> 
> please o please don't spoil the story for other people who havent read yet :/// i think its pretty obvious why (like how obvious yuuri is victor's love but anYWAYS) its gna ruin the suspense that fic is built upon!
> 
> writing a 27k fic monstrosity was... interesting (i have never written more than 5k words); and it really challenged my limits and i thank all of you so much for reading from start to end!
> 
> if you have any questions about the fic or just want to talk you can always hmu on [ tumblr!](https://doubletan.tumblr.com/)
> 
> ....and wow tbh i was always so stressed whenever i thought of this unfinished chaptered fic and and about people who were waiting for the next chapter and my slow updates made everyone (including me) suffer haha welp rly apologize about only finishing the fic now!! posting this is really a weight of my chest ((finally can delete 'complete your yoi fic' from my never ending list of things to do wew)) thanks for reading guys! 
> 
> tbvvh i actl finished writing this entire monstrosity of a fic in feb so whatever written here have all been my idea of how the story would go ever since i watched ep 10 of yoi and the idea popped into my mind after that. editing just takes a whole lot of time sighz
> 
> thank you everyone who gave kudos, commented and bookmarked and gave me the spirit to continue editing this fic!! yall may think its a really small gesture but it really encourages me! honestly never thought this fic could hit 1k kudos with my shitty writing so thank you all very very much!!!
> 
> edit: honestly, its really upsetting and shameful to say im from the yoi fandom when there are such unreasonable fans in there, commenting 'fuck you' and that 'i hate you'. remember the dreaming goddess yoi dj that people were unreasonably bashing because they didnt like the content? same thing happening here where people are bashing me in the comments, albeit (and thankfully) on a much smaller scale. warnings were given on the dj, people proceeded to read on and got upset when the dj didn't end the way they wanted it to, same thing happening here with my fic. honestly how self entitled can anyone get? fan works is to express one's creativity, not cater to what everyone will like. 
> 
> deleted those nasty comments and will continue to do so for whoever else that wants to be unreasonable because the story didnt end the way they liked it to. dont appreciate the toxicity on the work i put a year's effort into. thanks.
> 
> content warnings for this fic has always been :" The author chose not to warn for content, or Archive Warnings could apply, but the author has chosen not to specify them." since the fic was first posted. if that isn't explicit enough for you, that means that there is the possibility that ALL content warnings (graphic depictions of violence, major character death, rape/non-con, underage sex) could be applied to this fic. tags are all also applied throughout the story and not everything could be tagged there without spoiling the story, however angst has been tagged there since the fic was posted so there was appropriate warnings since the beginning. pretty unreasonable and immature to see people bashing me for 'not warning them' when the content warning and tags i have used already stated there is a possibility of death and angst, don't you think?
> 
> seeing that warning and continuing on to read the story is a risk you yourself have taken and the onus is on you if you do. honestly, this story is about a fatal disease, the chances of death is significantly higher than most fics. and yes, this story was meant to be sad honey, not everything is always a happy ending. if you read a storybook where no warnings could be given and the author makes a character die, do you bash them for it??? no right? given that i even gave warning of the possibility of death and the certainty of angst, i don't see how i'm at fault here but _you_ the reader yourself who is at fault for acting immaturely and irrationally because you're upset that the story does not end the way you want. o but don't forget, its _MY_ story, not yours. 
> 
> more edit: honestly its very laughable when people accuse me of not putting in the major character death warning because i wanted kudos and bookmarks. if that was what i wanted, i would have written a happy ending to please all of you no? lmao i wonder how people think sometimes 
> 
> also after seeing a comment about adding more tags to better reference the end, i added two extra tags! 
> 
> seeing that lots of people here can't seem act maturely when things don't go their way, here's a tip for you just in case: if you're upset with how the fic ended, its really easy. exit the tab and never read it again. _simple._

**Author's Note:**

> how hanahaki works in this fic: 
> 
> 1) when someone love someone that is unrequited they can suffer from hanahaki but there is no criteria or requirement for who will suffer from hanahaki as it does not happen to all people
> 
> 2) hanahaki have four stages, the last being fatal 
> 
> 3) the only symptom of hanahaki is the puking of flowers, so patients can act normally besides that. especially in the first few stages hanahaki is not easy to be detected by others as the puking of flowers is sporadic
> 
> 4) think of the flower clump like a cancer tumor that's constantly growing: the puking of flowers can be suppressed with dosages of suppressants, but like cancer tumor it can become immune to it after a while and the dosage has to be increased. however, when reaching the final stage the dosages will usually be ineffective by then because of the rapidly increasing amount of flowers being puked out
> 
> 5) sometimes there is clogging of flowers in the lungs when the patients produced too much flowers that cannot be puked out, and if the hospital staff act fast, they can be saved by removing the clump through surgery. however, there are incidents where it took too long to remove it and the patients die before they even reach stage four
> 
> 6) patients are not obliged to tell the hospital staff who they love, and the hospital staff, even the ones assigned to the patient are discouraged from finding out who he/she love because of the sensitivity of the issue and it is deemed unprofessional. but it is not uncommon to have the patient tell the hospital staff on their own accord.
> 
> 7) MOST IMPORTANTLY: ONLY when the patient hears and believes that the person he/she loves love them back, will their hanahaki be cured
> 
> hope this helps!!!


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